the things i know

season 2, episode 1

2012-01-25T16:17:00.001-07:00

today was my first day at my new job. it is just a temporary post at the moment as the details of contracts and salaries and technicalities are sorted out, but it didn't stop me from being nervous.

in the end, there was no reason to worry and it was difficult to slip back into the system that i left a few years ago. the workload will be heavy and the obstacles in front of the team, rather substantial. but if i am up for a challenge, it is there for the taking.

i can tell that the challenges will include: desks not lined up in any logical order in the office (yes, i am serious), a coworker who likes to listen to music at just audible levels, and utter lack of infrastructure in what is colloquially referred to as a 'resource poor' working environment.

in many ways, it is a great opportunity and a position that i can shape into my own and define as i go. but it will also involve a lot of ambiguity and a certain degree of risk. a bit like being the underdog and it could go either way, really.

i am happy for the chance to get involved in some potentially interesting project development and the flexibility that comes when you do not have a long term contract, which means i can still take my upcoming birthday trip to ghana, head home for a visit in march, and decide my own working hours.

maybe my independent spirit and no-nonsense manner of thinking about the development game will be pleased with this arrangement. or maybe my love for organisation, planning, and preparations will be driven mad with the lack of clarity or clearly defined boundaries and roles.

only time will tell in this instance. like many before and certainly many more to come.

eat what you kill

2012-01-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

i know i am going to sound like i’m whining, but getting upat 6am with an alarm clock on a monday morning is tough! and driving (well, being apassenger) for 6 hours of rural roads in liberia is also achallenge. and i am going to blamethe latter on my nap takeover when i finally got home this evening...

the purpose for the early start and travelling was that ihad a job interview to work in a company’s corporate socialresponsibility/community investment department. well, to essentially BE the csr department. while there were moments where i was tempted, i know the role is not for me.

after discussions today, i confirmed what i alreadysuspected – that i didn’t move all the way to liberia to work 10 hours a day 6days a week while living away from my boyfriend (i still think that ‘partner’sounds so lame). although theworksite is not geographically that far away from monrovia, the road conditionsmake it a bit of a trek and the company’s rather restrictive policies wouldmake it difficult to get back to the capital city with any regularity.

but it was still so interesting to see a new part of thecountry with the driver they sent to collect me and to see how a foreigncompany operates and attempts to have a lasting positive impact on thecommunities where they operate. there were a few red flags in their programming (they directly supportlocal orphanages), but it seemed like it would be a challenging and rewardingposition, but it just won’t be the one for me.

which is ok as i have another job lined up as of lastweek and it will allow me to ease back into the world of internationaldevelopment with the organisation i used to work for in kenya. and with the mentality of ‘eat what youkill’ in fund raising and project development, it might also be challenging andrewarding, but for very different reasons.

i have committed to something of a trial period and i ambanking on previous healthy working relationships and familiarity with theorganisation and the content to lend itself to success. i amnot so sure that i am ready to give up my weekday workouts, leisurely morning coffees,and flexible schedule. but itcould all be worthwhile simply to have regular fast internet at the office!

above all, in the big, bad world of international development,having work experience to show for my time in liberia will be beneficial and itwill aid in making the big life decisions that are on the horizon. but if we decide to stay in monrovia, i am getting a kitten! and he is orange! and he was just a week old when i met him and hadn't yet opened his eyes!

neighbours

2012-01-20T02:37:00.000-07:00

(january 13, 2012)

i am openly critical of people who visit a country onholiday and return home needing to do something about the poverty that theylikely witnessed from their safari mobile or while on their wander through acapital city or rural area.

i don’t doubt people’s motives or believe that they don’tmean well in deciding to take up donations of used clothing to ship overseas orwant to start their own foundation to put girls through school, but the realityis that what is witnessed on a two week vacation is not going to be easilyfixed by starting a new ngo or from someone naively adopting a community orindividual as their personal cause.

however, these same values have been challengedrecently. first, when i was put onthe spot to explain why stopping our safari mobile on the side of the road inrural tanzania to give away our football to a stranger was a bad idea hidden bythe good hearts and intentions of family members. trying to explain that by picking out a child from the sideof the road to give away a prized football could cause them and others toexpect or hope that future vehicles travelling by with foreign faces will alsodeposit footballs. and the lastthing that is needed is more children hanging around roads waiting for gifts tocome. it would also make moresense to have the football donated to a school that could ensure it wasavailable to more children to play with. and to give the ball to the teacher in front of the studentsto prevent it from going missing or being taken out of the school.

luckily, we came up with a creative solution that didn’tmake me look like a total asshole and included giving the ball away to a localtourism company that we were travelling with that has developed a sport andeducation programme in a village near their safari lodge that we had recentlystayed at. but it was interestingto see that as soon as there was effort involved in finding the office, a shopthat sold a pump and other items to include with the ball, and dropping it alloff, the interest in ‘doing good’ decreased, probably because the ‘problem’ wasnow no longer in front of our eyes.

another challenge has come whenever i walk out of my houseto head into town. my street isoptimistically called 3^rd street, but it is really a dirt alleywaywithout a street sign and you wouldn’t be blamed if you drove right by it on themain street (which happens rather regularly with delivery drivers…). on the same street where i live inrelative luxury is a house that was clearly bombed and/or burned during thecivil wars. and now a few familiesare living as squatters in the property without electricity or running water.

on the other side of my house is a similar beachfront lotwith a house that was once undoubtedly a gem on the coastline, but now is askeleton of what it once was. and again,it is occupied by a family with a newborn that sometimes wakes me up in theearly morning hours, our houses are so close to one another.

and i can appreciate how those same people who come to aplace like liberia and are overcome with the poverty and want to do somethingto remedy such an ethical wrong would also look at the disparity that existsright on my street. and part of mejust wants to give the kids that i see, having their daily baths or playing intheir backyard that is cordoned off with pieces of scrap metal, whatever changei have in my pocket because i know a few liberian dollars will go much furtherfor them than for me.

but, i also realize that just as giving away a football onthe side of the road, my few liberian dollars are not going to overcome thesystemic challenges facing a country and its people still rebuilding afterdevastating civil wars. and becausesomeone before me has clearly given something away on my street, i am regularlyasked for ‘a chocolate’ or ‘a dollar’ or ‘a pen’ by the kids.

instead, i do what i can and purchase local produce andsupport the small enterprises in my neighbourhood and the greater city of monrovia. in fact, i am now looking for a goodtailor to make something out of all the fabric i have collected!

would like to go home now

2012-01-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

yesterday, i had one of those days where i wanted to have my own car, the yellowpages to find someone to repair my leaking cooking gas hose, and a taste of winter to cool me down from the tropical heat.

the key to getting over that hump of what i suppose could be described by some as culture shock, was to have a serious in-the-bed nap and go for a run once the heat of the day had passed.

part of my frustration comes from the fact that although i have a few small projects that i am working on (including writing up a research report that is taking me far too long, but i am enjoying), i am beginning to get slightly stir crazy and need to have something that is mine, that i can accomplish, and that will show that i did something during my time in liberia. it is a bit of a challenge in a city like monrovia, where you often have to do a little digging to figure out how to do more than go to the regular expat haunts and hang out by the pool or beach and the easiest way to go about this would be to find a short term consultancy so that i can have evidence of living in liberia on my cv (because we all know a person's value is based entirely on their cv in some circles...).

but then i am reminded that soon enough, i will have a job and i will too busy to sip my coffee into the morning hours while watching episodes of tv shows i usually don't have time for or reading book after book sitting poolside. ups and downs, pros and cons, are always there, their content just shifts with time and location.

deep breaths

2011-12-15T02:21:00.000-07:00

after moaning about not knowing what i should be when i grow up, recently some options have materialized. my recent flurry of job applications has resulted in 3 job interviews this week. i've only heard back from 1 of them and i have the option of moving to azerbaijan if that were to tickle my fancy.

and it might. it is just that i am still not really clear on what my next move should be. and yet i am also perilously aware that this indecision can turn into paralysis.* but so many factors need to be weighed. salary, contract length, career direction, my interest in the roles, levels of responsibility, distance from the people i love.

more than anything, i am wondering if i am ready to relocate after coming to liberia just 2 months ago. and after another few months in another location, if i will be ready to pick and leave again. perhaps i could do it for a year or so, but the idea of having a home base once again is rather appealing.

but what is equally appealing is more field-based experience and more travel and adventure (even if adventure means sitting by my pool in tropical heat in december). and i keep thinking it is a mutually exclusive decision, but maybe i need to think more creatively and explore ways to achieve both a sense of home and stability with the challenge and excitement of 'the new.'

i sense a few pro/con lists in my immediate future. and more than a few reminders of deep breaths and that this decision, like all that have preceded it, is not the last i will make and that it is just as much ok to say no as it is to say yes.

* paralysis is a rather tricky word to spell without spellcheck.

a reminder

2011-12-12T14:25:00.001-07:00

The good fight is the one that's fought in the name of our dreams. When we're young and our dreams first explode inside us with all of their force, we are very courageous, but we haven't yet learned how to fight. With great effort, we learn how to fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat. So we turn against ourselves and do battle within. We become our own worst enemy. We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realize, or the result of our not having known enough about life. We kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight.

Paulo Coelho from The Pilgrimage

to town we go

2011-12-08T07:53:00.001-07:00

i can be as guilty as the next traveller/expat of wanting to have a unique and 'authentic' experience when i am in a new country and yet i recognize that even seeking this out takes away its authenticity and leaves you constantly feeling as you didn't do enough, see enough, photograph enough.

and there are those instances that remind me that authentic experiences are authentic because they just happen. and they just happen when you are open to them and others.

a bit trite, perhaps, but seems to hold true where ever i have been in the world.

yesterday was one of those 'authentic' days that i will likely cherish. and largely because it felt so... normal.

motorcycle taxi driver (with sunglasses, of course!)

mary had agreed to take me to the waterside market in monrovia to buy lapas, the brightly printed (and ironically, printed in china) fabrics west africa is known for. as much as i wanted to add to my collection and feed my addiction to fabric, i also wanted to hang out with mary and have her show me around town.

the first decision was how we would get there. the shared taxis were an option, but we decided to spring for the motorcycle taxis at double the price because they are faster and a lot more comfortable, especially if you don't have to share one. mary hailed them down and we got on. she told me later that she was a little nervous when she couldn't see me, but she needn't worry as the only thing that i had to fend off was another motorcycle's passengers, two men who were fighting over talking to me every chance they got (in the middle of the road!). it is times like these i need something that resembles a wedding ring in my back pocket.

bustling water street, with wheel barrows for hire

waterside is less of a market and more of a number of streets lined with vendors selling anything you need of your house. much of the clothing and housewares were used, but there appeared to have been a large shipment of chinese shoes and they were laid out nicely for passersby to take a look. the thought occurred to me a number of times that all those people at home who think donating t shirts and shoes to 'africa' are unaware they are being sold by the bundle and sold on the streets (in fact, there is a documentary made on this very topic: T Shirt Travels).

merry christmas!

it seemed as though mary knew a number of people around and we had to make several stops to say hello, but it turns out that she used to work there selling food so still knows many of the salespeople and shop owners. i clearly stuck out, but didn't feel out of place or uncomfortable. it is a pretty broad statement, but i have found monrovians very welcoming and kind to me. but i would be lying if i said i was a lot less worried about getting lost or ripped off by having mary with me.

like much of the rest of the shops i have seen, many were owned by lebanese people. we poked our heads into the ones selling lapas and i found 12 yards of fabric that i plan on using for sheets and cushions. coincidentally, i got the number of a wonderful tailor today who can hopefully help me out because although learning how to sew (and quilt!) is something i would love to do, i am without a sewing machine.

it is tough to visualize what the fabric will look like as it is overwhelming to see so many patterns at once. and sometimes is very dim light while you are sweating buckets in the stuffy shops. i picked out some more basic patterns although i might go back for the 'obama' print, which was rather lovely even if it did not have any images of obama on it at all.

in fact, there are some ma ellen prints i have seen around and like the nelson mandela cloth i bought in south africa, i might pick some up just for the laugh and memories of the time i am here.

lapas - the purpose of our journey

as i was unfolding and feeling all the fabric, mary was checking out the shoe selection and making sure my bags didn't get too heavy to carry. one of my favourite parts of monrovia is the shop signs that are painted on the outer walls of buildings. i hope to gain more confidence in bringing my camera along to take more photos next time i go to town, but this time i just took some snaps on my phone (which, by the way, have you downloaded the camera+ app yet?! amazing.)

after a wander around, we caught more motorcycle taxis on the way back. this time, my driver was a shyster and made us pay too much and since we had two drivers, the second being a honest guy, i paid him the same exorbitant rate that the first demanded before taking my money, refusing to give change, and driving off. i have no idea if he thought he could rip us off because of where he dropped us off, who he was carrying, or just because he was an ass, but neither mary nor i were impressed. we were also nearly melting so we didn't bother too much and came inside to share a can of coke (which is still one of the most refreshing beverages when it is so hot out!).

this is what i look like on the back of a motorcycle taxi,
if ever you wondered

the week ahead

2011-12-06T02:49:00.001-07:00

after my complaining about having a houseguest (who is a marvellous cook, i do admit), i will be spending the next week on my own in the big city of monrovia.

truth be told, i wish i was also heading out to the field to see more of the country, but instead i will be making the most of my time. i have found a few shops that i want to check out: afropolitan and Jola House Creations and i'd like to take a trip to waterfront market to buy some lapas, but am a bit nervous to go alone partly because i have no idea how much anything should cost and partly because i envision it being a cacophonous and seemingly chaotic place. i could be entirely wrong, but may enlist mary's help to navigate it.

one of the challenges to life in monrovia for me is that there are few options for transportation and i feel as though i can't be as independent as i'd like. we don't have a car, although i recently learned that we could have one if someone had renewed his license (and knew how to drive standard...). the yellow shared taxis that ply the roads are seemingly ubiquitous, but also come with a queue of people ready to fight their way to squeeze into the car doors and i'm not sure how exactly payment or the system works, which will cause me quite a bit of stress.

there are the motorcycle taxis, driven by young men often with a version of trendy (and sometimes lens-less) sunglasses regardless of the time of day. the un security briefing includes a prohibition against using these, but we tried them out on the weekend and i must admit that it was a much more pleasant way to come home after a day in the city than being stuck to the synthetic seats of a dilapidated taxi. very breezy and rather exhilarating, if not a bit dangerous.

the typical mode of transportation i use is a car service operated by 5 guys. their cars are not always so reliable, as we found out while we were stuck for an hour this past weekend, but they are very friendly and a great resource about all things liberian. they tend to be available when you call, but it means that you have to hire them for short journeys or by the hour. and when i am in a shop knowing someone is waiting for me, i can't help but rush through my shopping. i think that this is something that i will just have to get used to otherwise i will spend the next few months rushing about and worrying about how long i am taking. the other downside is that if you just want to wander about and catch a taxi home, you can't. i either plan a pick up time or location or call them and hope they are free to collect me when i'm ready.

after my week of living like a bachelorette again, i will be packing my own bags to head to dar es salaam, tanzania to celebrate christmas on the other coast of africa. let the countdown begin!

top tips for being a houseguest

2011-12-02T03:39:00.001-07:00

avoid offending your host by rolling your eyes at the mention of the industry she has worked in for the past 3 years.
try to keep your unsolicited information and knowledge on how the sugar releases the chemicals in tomatoes to yourself at the dinner table.
be mindful of how much you are asking the housekeeper to do and in what you are asking your host to communicate to the compound staff on your behalf.
don't let your host know that you approve of her selection in a partner, she likely doesn't care what you think.
don't complain about the bedding or the mattress or the curtains. just don't.

early (temporary) retirement

2011-11-29T01:59:00.001-07:00

i was guilty of asking friends who were not working at home 'what do you do all day?' as though it would be a struggle to fill your days with activities that had to be done and those you wanted to do. i figured that it must be boring not to be busy, a daytimer full of appointments and to do lists, and a social calendar with other people working full time, regular hours.

and now when people ask me if i get bored without having a full time job or what i do with myself all day, i am sort of surprised because the answer seems so obvious. i read, i lay by the pool, i grocery shop, i visit with our housekeeper, i cook, i play angry birds, i check facebook and twitter, i send emails, i apply for jobs, i go for walks, i edit photos, i go for lunch, i do yoga, i watch tv series i've always wanted to see, i work out, i get massages and pedicures at home. but only for a few moments this past month have i felt bored.

i have felt some pangs of guilt that i am not working, not being productive, and not building the years and breadth of experience on my cv. but then i reminded myself that people generally spend their entire careers waiting to retire and live the life i am living right now.

and it won't last. come march, i will likely have to get a job either in liberia or wherever someone will hire me and then i remember what it feels like to squeeze in a run after rushing home from the office or wake up to an alarm everyday or not having time to fit all my friends and family in. i am in no hurry to get back into the regular workforce and a crammed schedule so i am genuinely enjoying my time. i just wish that people understood that when they ask me what i possibly DO all day!

now if you'll excuse me, i have another episode of Mad Men, the next chapter of The Hunger Games, and a swimming pool all calling my name.

we are frying, oh!

2011-11-23T02:32:00.001-07:00

i was all ready to declare my first liberian cooking lesson a success and then the boyfriend had to go and get sick after eating what my housekeeper and i cooked up. but i have felt fine ever since so i am still going with the idea that it was a success, but i might include a disclaimer in all future kitchen endeavours.

it is not that i can't cook, i just have no idea what to do with all the greens in the market here. and i can still count the number of times i have cooked chicken on one hand (three, if you are wondering). but i am getting better at eating it (it was served a lot on my recent trip to morocco), so there's that.

mary, my housekeeper extraordinaire (and you will recall, currently my closest friend in monrovia) wanted to teach me to cook and had offered to go and buy what we needed at the market. i figured it was a good opportunity to get a tour of the market so i asked if i could come with her, which she thought was a grand idea and off we went.

i thought our project would be cut short immediately after leaving my house and seeing the opposition party march going down the main street in protest of the recent elections and to mourn their dead from clashes with police a few weeks ago. i looked at mary as if to inquire on the security of us wandering through the hundreds of people and she, a proud ma ellen supporter, didn't seem concerned so on we carried on amongst the chanting and yelling and shuffling throngs. in fact, mary thought it might be a good photo opportunity, but i am still shy about whipping out my camera (slr or iphone).

the market is a huge building jammed with stuff and things and bits and bobs. in amongst the kitchen items, there is a small produce section. here are your choices: palm nuts, cassava leaf, potato leaf, collared greens, yams, onions, garlic, banana, plantain. none of which i know what to do with.

mary and i had previously agreed that she'd teach me how to make collared greens so that is what we bought and had the woman in the market cut them up small, small for us with her giant (and incredibly sharp) knife.

after picking up some seasoning, a basin to wash and massage the greens, and onions, we headed back home where mary unceremoniously butchered a frozen chicken on my countertop. i noticed she kept all the trimmings to take home with her, but otherwise all the chicken bits when into the oil. my job was to watch her and ask questions and take photos (often at her request).

we fried the chicken with some onion and added the greens into the pot while mary sang 'we are frying, oh!' in went the seasoning, tomato paste, chiles and then i manned the greens with instructions from mary not to stir too much and add water occasionally. she got on with making the rice and soon, our meal was complete.

it tasted better than any west african food i have had before and it received positive reviews (apart from the upset stomach...) and was a fun process. next up, a field trip with mary to the larger market in town.

home sweet home in monrovia

2011-11-17T01:03:00.001-07:00

remember that deal i made with kelsey? well, i am really crapping out on it, aren't it?

and it is not that i have any wonderful excuses as i am not working a regular job, have more free time than i've had in years, and have had literally thousands of thoughts about life in liberia that i have wanted to share.

view from my bedroom window

i arrived about a month ago and was warmly welcomed into my new home that overlooks the atlantic ocean. it is a furnished house, meaning it comes with the basics and all the necessary furniture, but little else. not much on the walls or in the cupboards, but after a few shorts weeks, it does feel like home.

and you can't beat opening your balcony doors in your bedroom to hear the sound of the waves crashing.

waves crashing so hard that i actually cannot swim in the ocean near my house, but yoga in my makeshift hot yoga studio (aka my balcony) is wonderful with the background noises of the sea.

we have a housekeeper who is slowly becoming my closest friend in liberia and i know this isn't exactly how this relationship should go, but it is nice to have company during the days and she is happy to answer all my questions about life in monrovia. for instance: how do i break a $100 dollar bill? (go to the forex and ask for 'pieces'), where do i find towels in the shops? (the big shop in town has them, it's called Abijala), how do i replace our empty cooking gas canister (give $45 to the groundskeeper and 5LD (liberian dollars) for a motorcar and he'll get it for you).

our street

she was also a wealth of information during the violence that broke out during an opposition party protest a few days before the run off election was held, which was peaceful in the end even if boycotted by the opposition that was crying foul (and also knew they would lose).

before i left calgary, i was worried that i would be bored and wouldn't have anything to fill my days. i seem to have been wrong and manage to have a growing To Do list on the go as well as very few moments where i am not sure what to do with myself.

i do have work that needs to be completed from a contract i still have from home and i have been enjoying jumping back into the world of research with it. but otherwise i have been reading books, working out, playing far too much angry birds than is healthy, stocking the fridge and cupboards, reading the internet and sending emails, and utilising the incredibly affordable long distance calling to call friends and family in canada (seriously, i have put $70 on my phone and have made at least 5 calls lasting longer than an hour each and still have $50 left in my account - if liberia can figure out affordable long distance overseas, why oh why can't canada?!).

and, as promised, i will be spending more time writing (hopefully in a coherent manner) about my impressions of my newest home to post here.

how i spend some afternoons

a lot to process

2011-10-09T20:59:00.001-06:00

i am just going to ease back into this blogging thing. even though i HAVE made a deal to blog twice weekly.

and not that i haven't had about a thousand ideas of stuff to write about as i prepare to pick up my life and relocate to monrovia, liberia in 1 short week.

but baby steps.

and today those baby steps revolve around my panic that air canada's flight attendants have decided to strike as of this thursday. the first legs of my journey are with air canada so here i am on thanksgiving sunday worrying that i might not be able to get to monrovia. and this is all complicated with the fact that only 3 days after i arrive, i am booked on a non-refundable flight to casablanca, morocco. eesh.

and this comes at a time where i am struggling with so many conflicting emotions. i suppose that it goes without saying that leaving your hometown (again), your job, your house, and your network and friends and family, is tough. the goodbyes, the realization that i will miss months, if not years, of my new niece's life, and knowing that i am leaving a vibrant social network is sad.

this is tempered with the excitement i have for moving to a new country, a new city, and a new house that promises to bring adventure and hold a bright future. i am thrilled to be able to enjoy a holiday to morocco, christmas in tanzania, and daily life in a city that will certainly mystify, confound, and surprise me in equal measure. i was ready for a change, as evidenced by my moaning for months about figuring out what i want to be when i grow up, and here it is. it just happens to come with a lot of thoughts, feelings, and stress. but then again, if it were easy, everyone would do it. and if it weren't a challenge, i probably wouldn't be interested.

csr, what is it good for?

2011-09-25T18:10:00.005-06:00

absolutely nothing? not quite.

i come at this topic from a potentially unique perspective - i have an academic and professional background in international development, but have spent the last 3 years working in the field that can broadly be described as corporate social responsibility (csr) with an oil and gas company. and i have to say, the two worlds are not as far apart as one would think.

the last few years have certainly taught me that csr, like development and humanitarian aid, is a diverse field with some fantastic ideas and programmes and a whole lot of crappy ideas and a handful of people who think CSR IS GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD.

while i certainly don't see the pillars of a good csr strategy as a panacea to the world's problems, i don't think that for-profit organisations are anything to be feared and can 'do good' while also making money.

and here's a few ways: demanding clean supply chains, hiring local people and contractors, investing in local talent development, supporting established organisations through donations and sponsorships (commonly called 'community investment'), ensuring a safe and healthy worksite for current employees, and minimising the amount of environmental damage or degradation its operations cause.

to be clear, i don't think that a company does, or necessarily should, do these things out of the goodness of their hearts. i think there are a lot of intrinsic motivators for businesses to implement effective csr strategies, including enhancing local services and recreation to attract the best staff. to improve the talent pool from which they will draw now and in the future (essentially, capacity building in the development sense) by supporting education facilities and programmes. to improve value for their shareholders (however value is described) by demonstrating they are a sustainable enterprise. to build morale within the companies and appealing to their staff who want to work at a responsible company.

true, companies can leverage their csr initiatives for marketing and to build their reputation with potential customers, and those motivations all seem relatively clear, but i think that csr is too often written off because this is seen as its only purpose.

csr can be done horribly wrong and i would argue, some companies who think they should get into the world of csr don't think strategically or consider it a professional field that comes with years of research, analysis, successes, and failures. too often, a seemingly 'good cause' is supported through writing a giant cheque or volunteers are sent out for the photo opportunity, with little concern for what impact (positive, negative, or null) it will have.

in fact, the company that i work for has a csr situation gone sideways. they wanted to improve water and sanitation in a community where they operate and figured they could work with a un agency (because if csr can't save the world, the un will!). their intentions, unsurprisingly, were good and everyone had that warm, fuzzy feeling that doesn't come often for a bunch of engineers working in an extractive industry.

but those good intentions were not enough. the project is years overdue, has suffered from high-level turnover at both organisations, and has not had the intended positive effects that everyone had hoped. in hindsight, i think they realise they bit off more than they could chew and were ill informed with how the un functions (or does not) and what happens when you improve social services in one village and not the rest (surprise, people migrate!).

and why? because in this case, the company is not an expert in water and sanitation projects in this particular country. had they hired someone who was, they may have found that in this case, writing a giant cheque would've been more beneficial.

in other words, csr decisions and strategies should be taken seriously and addressed by professionals, not just those who want to go home from work feeling good (which is similar to Milton Friedman's argument that a business behaves ethically by turning a profit), but often are not seen as important enough to dedicate sufficient people and resources. csr costs companies money, it does not earn companies money. and i think that as long as that is understood and accepted, csr initiatives have a better chance at success.

and writing this is incredibly self serving as i find myself at a crossroads where i could continue on the csr career path or i could turn back to the world i once knew and work internationally with a humanitarian/development programme. i am not convinced that either will be a perfect fit for me and each comes with challenges and frustrations, but i do believe there is a role for each in meaningful and effective socioeconomic development and humanitarian aid, internationally and locally.

watch this space (and that one over there, too)

2011-09-21T16:16:00.000-06:00

it appears that my return to blogging has coincided nicely with a new initiative of j at tales from the hood (a blog that you should be reading if you want to learn anything about international development and humanitarian aid). check out the details of his Aid Blog Forum and participate if you have anything to say.

the first topic up for discussion is Corporate Social Responsibility. this also happens to be the field i have been working in for 3 years so i am just working through some thoughts in hopes of coming up with something coherent. by tomorrow because there is also a DEADLINE. and if you want to get my to do anything, the way forward is to give me a DEADLINE so i can procrastinate my way towards it and ultimately, get it done.

also, i am really sick of looking at this blog's design and am sort of sick of having the word 'blogspot' in its title. must think on that too.

(seems my return to blogging has taken the 'then i had a pb&j sandwich for lunch and then i had a really hot coffee and then...' format. will work on that.)

um, hi

2011-09-18T20:19:00.000-06:00

so, it's been awhile.

not quite sure why, really. i just didn't have it in me to write and i was generally sick of listening to myself go on about 'i don't know what i should be doing,' 'i wish i knew what to do with my life,' or 'i sure hope i figure out the next step soon.'

now, i wouldn't say that i have quite figured out the answers to any of those questions, but i have made a pact to write twice a week.

and well, i am moving to liberia without a job, so i have this suspicion that i might have extra time on my hands for doing things like writing.

this return to the blogging world means that i will also be reading more blogs too, which i am equally as excited about!

a review or two

2011-04-01T15:39:00.000-06:00

(march 28, 2011)

everyone had been raving about the young singing sensation Adele since her recent album, 21, came out so when i inadvertently purchased it from itunes (i still don’t really know how i managed that), i wasn’t disappointed.

but after a few listen throughs and i am not sure. it is good. it is enjoyable. i love the song Someone Like You, which is heart wrenchingly sad and exactly what i like in my music, but the rest of the album is a little lacklustre.

nevermind, i’ll find someone like you.

i wish nothing but the best for you too

don’t forget me, I beg

i remember you said

sometimes it lasts in love

but sometimes it hurts instead

eesh, i do love me a sad lyric. and you might recognize the tune from last week’s episode of grey’s anatomy (sidebar: i am totally up in the air about how i feel about that ending. really, you are going to tell me that callie might float above the rest of the cast for an entire show while we wait to find out if she is dead? we’ve been here with meredith and of course, she lives.)

another album i bought recently, after seeing her perform live when she recently opened for Joshua Radin and (no The) Cary Brothers is Laura Jansen’s Bells. she was an amazing live performer, just her and a piano and the most delicate songs gave me goose pimples.

her album is also in the range of medium, but i do love her cover of Kings of Leon’s Use Somebody and i will always remember her telling the story of cutting her own hair after breaking up with a ‘douche bag’ on christmas when i listen to her song Single Girls (which, coincidentally, is awesome).

a band that is making me get up and move lately is Miike Snow, a swedish group that is great to put on your running tunes playlist. i have been listening to their self titled album over a glass of wine if i am heading out for a night on the town because it makes me smile. i have no idea how this album came to me, but my favs on it are Burial, Animal, Cult Logic, and Black and Blue. awesome.

and as i mentioned, i saw Joshua Radin and Cary Brothers in concert (at the century casino, formerly known as the silver dollar action centre, of all places on a sunday afternoon). I did my homework and listened to both the singer songwriters’ stuff beforehand and have become more obsessed since. there’s never been anything that compares to listening to men sing about heartbreak. and as i announced to the twitter world (or twitterverse, as it pains me to write) the whole evening made me want to fall in love and break up over and over again because they made it sound so wonderfully bittersweet. my favourite Joshua Radin songs are No Envy No Fear, One of Those Days, the most romantical song Today, which he sang for Ellen DeGeneres and Portia di Rossi’s wedding, and You Got Growing Up to Do, which could regularly bring tears to my eyes if i let it.

wake up lonely with you by my side

what i’d give for that first night you were mine

i don’t belong to you

as for Cary Brothers, I wholeheartedly recommend Belong as another soul draining song of broken love (wake up lonely with you by my side…what i’d give for that first night when you were mine… i don’t belong to you), the upbeat Ride, Honestly, and another for the running play list, The Last One, Break Off the Bough, and Someday.

i have also given a thorough listen to the newest Arcade Fire album, Suburbs, recently and i do believe that it deserves all the accolades it received at this past weekend’s Juno awards. those dudes continue to rock.

and with all these amazing artists, life is just too damn short to waste listening to bad music.

vote compass

2011-03-28T15:21:00.000-06:00

i am sure there will be detractors somewhere that will say that this is unscientific or overly simplified, but i think that the vote compass on the cbc website is one of many tools that we can use during this election season to figure out who we are going to vote for. if we didn't know before.

i did the questionnaire and wasn't terribly surprised with the results, but what i loved was that you can go through your answers and see where you compare to each of the 5 federal political parties.

there were a few of the questions that i had no opinion on and a few that would have more weight in my final decision, but i think that this is a great tool, especially if you are wondering who will get your vote this may!

let's get voting!

getting serious?

2011-03-27T22:17:00.000-06:00

not sure what my globe and mail horoscope refers to, apart from the person i am semi-stalking on twitter!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):

You seem unable to decide whether to get serious about a relationship or whether to keep it at arm’s length. You will have to decide one way or the other by the end of the week, but for now just keep thinking.

what a weekend

2011-03-20T22:26:00.001-06:00

with weekends like the past two i have had in calgary, i could be convinced never to leave the city.

my weekend started a little early with a shopping trip that ended with new sweaters, a dress i can wear to a stampede festivity this july, tights that remind me eerily of my figure skating days, new fashionable belts, a few little things for my future niece, and a feather for my hair.

i got to try out the new kol3 in kensington for vietnamese crepes and iced coffees with a good friend i met through my current job. and we followed it up with a cold beer at molly malone's to continue our conversation about all things relationships, career directions, house shopping, women's rights, office gossip... not sure that we solved the world's problems, but we certainly had a great time catching up.

saturday morning was chillier than i had hoped, with spring shyly poking its head around the corner this past week, so after running back into my house to add a layer, i headed out for a lovely morning run. even though there was some pesky ice on the pathways, i had a great run paired with non-stop chatting with a dear friend facing some pretty daunting challenges at the moment. more listening than talking on my part, but that was just fine.

i headed out to my neighbourhood pub on saturday evening with a new chum from work to see a local band play. the band was pretty medium, but the company and laughs were pretty awesome. getting a taxi home at the end of the night when the snow started falling, not so awesome.

and today, a day of phone calls and catching up with friends far away and family nearby was followed by some comfort cooking. after stirring and stirring and adding and adding liquid, i created a most delicious risotto paired with homemade pesto that i whipped up in my food processor (without cutting my finger this time). i needed some time in the kitchen to relax and forget momentarily about the state of the world, which was weighing heavily on my shoulders after following the stories of cote d'ivoire, japan, libya, yemen, bahrain, and haiti on twitter and the news this past week. sometimes having a constant stream of information can work against your sanity and sense of contentment and if there is a silver lining in this cloud it is that i am getting better at recognising when that is happening to me so i can take a step back. and that is what i did tonight with fantastic results and a lot of leftovers!

the need for distance and perspective is at the heart of my intentions in giving up impatience for lent. it has been a good practice thus far and i have not only recognised when i begin to get antsy or worrisome about my future, but have reminded myself not to allow that anxiety to creep in and that if i really want to worry, i can do it in a few short weeks. reshaping my thinking around my future and how i can get so anxious about it has also helped me appreciate what i do have. the grass might be greener for me elsewhere, but it is pretty damn green where i am right now as well. and having a weekend full of pretty wonderful friends is part of that.

wherein i use a few caps

2011-03-14T00:15:00.002-06:00

ever since i woke up on january 1, 2011, i have felt a change a'coming. i have no idea what it will be nor when it will come, but i feel ready for it.

going to new york inspired me to get my arse in gear to get out into the world again and find something else to to for a little while. to not be afraid to leave the comforts of my home town again and to explore a little more, knowing that there is a whole lot of awesome to come home to anytime i choose. the beauty of an economy fuelled by a commodity-driven industry that is on the up once again, i suppose.

i cleaned out my closets, giving away a bunch of stuff and consigning some others (wherein i chose not to consign my clothes at one shop because they give all the unsold merchandise to an 'orphanage in africa' and couldn't answer me which of the 50+ countries they were referring to nor why they made the orphanage pay for the shipping of the clothes to their magical unnamable part of the continent). i updated my vaccines, passing out in the process, so that if i feed the urge to up and leave to a yellow feverish place, i will be covered (in fact, the reason i am up right now, even though it is midnight and i have a week full of early morning and it is the day of the year that daylight savings kicks your ass is because i forgot i have to take a live typhoid vaccine on an empty stomach and well, my stomach is not empty.

i have also decided to give up impatience and self doubt for lent. yes, i know this is not in the typical spirit of lent, but i needed a time frame and well, it was conveniently timely (is saying conveniently timely redundant??). i am reminding myself that everything has worked out thus far and will continue to do so, in a time frame that is never going to end or stop and as i have always said, there is no finish line and the whole success is not a destination thing (i think you can find some lame quote from me on the interwebs about that, actually).

i am trying to remember that an opportunity will come my way. no sense in worrying or fretting that time is passing me by (I AM GETTING OLDER, OH MY GOD, I AM BEHIND... you get the idea). if the past two years are any indication, opportunities find me and i do my best to put myself right in their path as best i can. i feel as though i have done that now and so now i just wait.

but waiting is not so bad. last week i braved the -20* temperatures and went to the joshua radin, cary brothers, laura jansen show and it was amazing. as i said on twitter, it made me want to fall in love and break up again and again. well, not really, but they sure did make it sound poetic and romantic and wonderful and heart wrenching. and a concert at the former silver dollar action centre? not so bad, especially if you like a little greasy pizza with your handsome singer/songwriters.

i followed that up with so many pints, breakfasts, coffees, and dinners with so many inspiring, intelligent, and hilarious people this past week that i was pleasantly reminded that i am surrounded by a community of people and i have a few greatest fans out there, which is always a nice boost to the confidence.

oh, and i ate at boxwood, which was a chorizon/polenta delight, had breakfast at wake in kensington, where they brew a strong cup of coffee and make mean eggs benedict, and had a perfectly poured latte at vendome cafe. so if you are in the city, go try those newcomers to the ever expanding culinary/coffeehouse scene around these parts.

ready for this

2011-03-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

apart from a really kick ass trip to an amazing city, my visit to new york was actually for another reason entirely and i just appended my own fun to the end of a 5 day training session. as these things often do, it certainly had its ups and its downs, but my overall impression was a positive one and i felt that i walked away with practical skills and a pocket full of contacts that could potentially be helpful for future professional gigs.

i prepared myself before going that i would likely be the odd one out, the one who is not currently based 'in the field' and who doesn't have scathes of emergency experience, but has been selected just like everyone else to attend. surprisingly, this didn't feel like an impediment throughout the time and i am not sure if that was because i was ready for it, i am more confident now than when i was last in one of these situations, or the other participants and facilitators weren't dickheads. i think it was a little from columns a, b and c.

the best part of it all was that at a few different points, i thought to myself, i can do this. and not only can i do this, i think i could do it well. as someone who regularly battles with self doubt, internal criticisms, obsessive thinking, and anxiety, this was good, very good.

the best part of the entire experience was a few days after it finished and i was wandering my way around new york city (rather than long island, where we had been holed up for the training), when i got an email telling me that i was an asset to the training and asking if i was interested in potential positions that could come up. with a resounding yes, i politely responded and there was a little back and forth. i suspect it all comes down to waiting on funding, but i was happy to be considered after what felt like a 5 day job interview. i guess i passed.

but. of course there is a but! but, now i haven't head for a few weeks and i am terrified that all this momentum is going to come to a screeching halt and i will be Stuck. with a capital S. and that is the terrifying part. i have spent the better part of the past 2 years rebuilding, settling and repairing. and now i am ready to head back out into the big, bad world.

last year i thought that i wasn't strong enough or interested enough or something enough to start again in a new city or a new country alone. for a long time, i had in my head that i would only ever being doing that with someone. well, that someone isn't around and hasn't been for a few years now, but it took me awhile to feel strong enough and excited enough to uproot again and start a new job and build a new life in a new place. and now that i feel that i am there, i am scared that an opportunity is not going to come my way. i will keep applying for things that interest me, but the anxiety is creeping in.

and this after i had some serious conversations with myself about what i would be giving up if i left calgary now. the stability, the money, the closeness with my family, the familiarity, the nest... and although i am still not sure how i would manage all that change, i feel like i would figure it out. but now i just need the opportunity to allow me the chance to figure it out.

eesh.

and there you have it, interwebs, that is what has been on my mind for the past few weeks since returning from new york. i needed a shake up, but i am also feeling impatient and just want to get on with things now that i have made a decision. so, universe, are you listening?

a nyc success

2011-03-07T20:55:00.005-07:00

hello internet!

yes, i am still around and apparently still have a blog. i have been spending a lot of my internetting time on twitter lately, so if you haven't already found me there, go on and do it now. it feels a bit like the lazy person's blog, but i also sort of love it, especially as i had been on a bit of a soap box with all my sharing links and it is a great platform for that.

let's get back to that trip i took to new york city though. and how amazing it was. i felt quite at home in a way, in a city where it seems everyone belongs, which i hadn't felt in some time. and i just enjoyed it. the along time to sit and think and walk and think and just be and think was much needed.

it was a little chilly for me, but i managed to bundle up and hit the pavement. i did a few touristy things that i suppose someone out there would say that you 'have to do' like thetop of the rock, which was over priced, but did offer a good view of the city at sunset. one of my favourite things was the greenwich village food tour operated by foods of new york. not only delicious, but really interesting and well worth the money. i also went on a walking tour with the lower east side history project, also fascinating. and it all was made more relevant because, like the dork i am, i was reading the historical fiction creatively titled new york that covered the various periods of the city and historical events that shaped the city and its communities. a good historical account of the city, if not a little long.

i also had the opportunity to meet up with friends and friends (and in one case, an ex girlfriend of a friend) and although it could have felt like an awkward blind date, each of the three women i met up with for a day of sightseeing and photo-adventuring, coffee in midtown, or dinner and drinks in the village were absolutely delightful. it was with these awesome canadians abroad that i rode the staten island ferry to see the statue of liberty (she's so tiny!), got the perspective of a student and a lawyer working in the city, and ate at the most delightful french bistro whose name i have forgotten, but really wanted to link so i will try and recall it in the coming days and update this.

new york is certainly a place that i could imagine living one day and one that was not nearly as intimidating as i had thought it would be. i even made friends with an eye doctor and his staff as we bonded over the edmonton oilers (even though i am decidedly not a fan and he certainly is) and got a brand new pair of specs that just arrived in the mail last week.

my apologies for the disjointed post, but i wanted to have some sort of documentation that i in fact did go to new york, did love it, and can't wait to go back.

and here i had hoped blogger would've made it easier to upload and format photos, sheesh. they are all over the place!

stuck in chicago

2011-02-06T13:17:00.001-07:00

but hopefully not for long!

just a little weather delay, i hope.

one of my biggest irritations about canadians is their belief that they can somehow speak really derogatorily about americans as though we are inherently better by the simple fact that we are not americans. it is lame and goes against all that we like to pride ourselves on as canadians.

but. but, i have been at the chicago airport for only a few hours and i am already finding myself want to assert my canadian-ness. either by being overly polite or enunciating my words or refraining from overusing the word 'like' in conversation.

i am not quite sure why. i hope it is not coming from the same place that allows canadians to get smug and self righteous.

and a real shame that i couldn't have planned with this delay in mind because they i could've wandered out of security and visited one of my favourite chicago residents!

29 + 12 = 30!

2011-02-02T23:17:00.008-07:00

i made it! survived 2010, a sometimes trying year, and my 29th year. i warmly welcomed my 3rd decade with a wonderful birthday with deliveries of flowers and cupcakes, hilarious ecards, wonderful presents, and well wishes from across canada and the united states, ireland, georgia, kenya, south africa, the philippines, australia, the uk, italy, thailand, mexico, bermuda, africa's newest country of south sudan, japan, france, and afghanistan!

and here is how my 9 for 29 goals shaped up (or, in a few cases, shipped out!):

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  this last month of 29 has left me feeling content and calm, not normally my modus operandi, and at peace with my future. part of that has come from knowing i get to go to new york next week for more un speak and potential career connections. i certainly have had some down days, but overall, i feel as though i am entering my 30s in a much more solid place in terms of anxiety and stronger than recent years in my 20s. exciting and reassuring. but as i have said all year, this battle might be won, but there will be a constant war against anxiety in my world.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. i can't really remember the motivation behind setting this goal, but i feel as though i managed ok. i am not sure that i improved much on previous years, but i maintained my thoughtfulness and tried to observe special events and occasions of those around me.
interestingly, i find this much more difficult now that there are so many ways to communicate with your friends, family, and acquaintances and more places to store information. i used to have 1 daytimer and a phone that received calls. now i carry a blackberry, an iphone, AND a daytimer and i need to streamline this whole system so that i know when people's birthdays are without having to rely on facebook to tell me.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  this year, i got to visit a friend in vietnam, my dad on vancouver island twice, and many friends and near-family in south africa. i had intended on doing more travelling within north america, but the cost and timing didn't work out during 29. i STILL have washington dc and chicago on my travel list and am hoping to get to at least one of those in the coming year. i will get to see some old friends from my nairobi days while i am in new york next week and that should be lovely.

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  remember what i said last month? yes, that 2011 will be the Year of Direction! i hadn't done a lot of work to get to the bottom of this goal in the last year. i did a lot of thinking and a lot of worrying and even a little daydreaming over the past year, but not a lot of the work that i think will be necessary to help me to get to where i want to be. or figure out where i want to be. that might be a better place to start.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  the nest egg is there. but it is more like a robin's egg when i wish it was an ostrich egg. i think that as long as i stay in calgary, this will be moved higher on my list of priorities. as life planning goes, this is one of those elements that needs to be there so that i can do whatever it is that i want to do (once i figure that bit out...).

i am not bad with money per se, i am just still unsure of how much money i should be spending on my house, on entertainment, on food, on travelling, on savings, on investments...
but i have a new(ish) friend who is a financial planner and i might hit him up for some advice or business once i am back from new york.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. i don't know what has happened to me over the past few weeks, but i have been a human garbage can, eating cheeseburgers, chips, pizza, chocolate, and ever other bad thing within my reach. i am not normally a compulsive eater, but i can't seem to stop once i get started (typically in the evenings) and nothing satisfied me.

i hadn't been cooking, but i am back on that train and have brought out the slow cooker and my newest addition to my kitchen, a kichenaid food processor (that did nick my finger during its installation on my counter resulting in a lot of blood).

throughout the year, i fluctuated between eating really regular and healthy meals to forgetting to eat until 4pm or munching on crap late into the night. this will likely always be the case, but man does it feel gross if my eating habits are not in order (like now).

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  there were some weeks there in the fall that i could have slept for hours and hours and right through the morning, but lately i have been getting by on less sleep and that is probably a good thing. mostly because i have actually been getting out of bed when my alarm goes off and waking up relatively rested and ready for the day.

part of what makes it easier not to sleep and sleep and sleep is not being on any anti-anxiety medication, which makes me rather sleepy (although i do still miss the technicolour dreams) and being busy, which means that i don't have the option of hitting snooze (well, more than twice) and have to get my arse out of my bed.
one thing that i do notice is that if i haven't started the week with sufficient sleep, i play catch up all week and never feel as though i am well rested until friday night where i am useless and just want to put pyjamas on and sit beside the fireplace.

8 - maintain my priorities.  perhaps one of the challenges of this goal was that i never officially stated my priorities, but i do think i made sure that when i was becoming overwhelmed with one job or the other, that i took a step back and did something for myself. one area that i feel as though i should've made a stronger effort to prioritise was physical fitness and running. after my half marathon training ended last spring, i ran a little bit here and a little bit there, but without any specific goals or program. i like the fact that after a few weeks without running, i can hammer out a 10km run without much difficulty, but i know i need to replace running (or something physical) back in my list of priorities moving forward.

9 - keep asking for what i want. i did a really good job of this during 29. when i wanted something, i asked for it. most often, i got what i asked for, and the times that i didn't didn't turn out so bad either. i am heading to new york next week because i asked for something and i have already asked a few people there to meet with me to explore opportunities and chat about life in new york.

i started my 30th year with a job offer in my inbox (but sadly, i do not speak the francaise, which i really should get back on one of these days...) an even though that wasn't a suitable post for me, i do feel as though that once i figure out what i want, i will certainly be asking for it!

***

i am not sure if i will draft goals for my 30th year. if i do, i want them to be more specific so that i can use them to stay on track rather than recap what i have been up to and see if it fits. i think goals are important, but i do thin that to make them effective and useful, i really should spend quality time unpacking what it is that i want and how that would translate into goals for the coming year.

work in progress, i tell ya!

google traffic circle

2011-01-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

the number one google search that leads to my corner of the intertubes is some variation of does ice cream cause stomach aches?

and judging by the sheer number of people wondering this and my own experience, my scientific conclusion is YES. YES ice cream causes stomach aches. no, you are likely not lactose intolerant, it is just tough for many people to digest including me and you, obviously.

so there, internet, is your definitive answer.

new york recommendations, please!

2011-01-25T17:59:00.001-07:00

i have been negligent in my trip planning, which is rather unlike me as i typically spend more time planning for a trip than actually on a trip. call it a hobby, if you will.

and now i am need of a) a place to stay in about the ~$100/night range that offers a fantastic location, good atmosphere, the opportunity to meet people, and enough space that my 5'2" frame can sleep comfortably. b) ideas on places to eat that are absolutely delicious, not particularly fancy or expensive, but just tasty. c) your thoughts on what attractions/sights/museums/events that are not worth my time/money/energy.

for instance, if you were going to travel to san francisco on your own i would offer you the following advice:

a) stay at the mosser where you might have to share a bathroom, but the rates are completely manageable, and the location is ideal.

b) i would insist that you go to the ferry building martketplace and sample the delicious fish tacos at taylor's automatic refresher (which, a google search tells me has been rebranded as gott's roadside, but i would still insist you eat there because its owners are the same), have a pannacotta at miette, and a cup of coffee at blue bottle coffee. i would also suggest grabbing a newspaper and hitting the neighbourhood of north beach to savour something on a cafe's brunch menu while you people watch. and i would also suggest going to knob hill for a cappuccino and to poke around the boutiques. eat anything mexican, mexican sounding or otherwise latino in mission and make a stop at tropisueno for more authentic mexican food.

c) i would suggest that you make fisherman's wharf your last stop and fit it in only if you need to kill some time, do alcatraz if you really love prisons, self guided tours, or really chilly boat rides, and give the bridge a miss unless you need to see the thing up close.

how do you feel about new york city? i have 5 days to bust a move about town after spending a week on long island holed up in a conference facility, no where to stay, no itinerary as yet, and a whole lot of scarves to wear to keep warm during february.

a little stuffed, but doing well otherwise

2011-01-20T19:44:00.001-07:00

how was 2011 been for you?

i have only one thing to complain about so far. and it is this damn cold that i can't seem to shake. it began in my sinuses, moved to my chest before christmas where it stole my voice and turned me into someone who sounded like they'd worked in a smoking lounge for 30 years, and now it is back to my sinuses and my head. maybe it is a new cold (not sure how exactly this medical science thing works when it comes to cold viruses) or if it just won't leave, but it sure is frustrating. a lot of sneezing, a lot of congestion, and not a lot of drainage.

other than this damn cold, i am enjoying 2011 so far. i woke up on new years morning with an email saying that i have been selected to attend training in new york city on gender based violence programming and coordination in emergencies and i am really looking forward to learning more about the field, meeting some interesting people, and exploring the big apple for the first time.

and, as always, i am hoping that some sort oracle emerges to tell me what i should doing with my life, where i should live, and what i want to be when i grow up. hopefully this training and this trip will help me do that. but the idea that i have something on the professional and personal agenda is enough to tie me over at the moment

oh yeah, and it will also be a good way to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday!

'adhd hadn't been invented in the 1930s'

2011-01-13T17:31:00.001-07:00

yes, i am indeed compiling a report of an 8 member team, much of it monotonous, mindnumbing desk work that i cannot concentrate on exclusively.

thus, another great ted recommendation. (and yes, i realise that you could just as easily go to the ted website yourself, but as this is my blog, i am also using this as a place to record interesting bits of the www that i might want to revisit one day).

Ken Robinson should be a stand up comedian. but instead, he is an expert on creativity and a ted fellow. you might enjoy what he has to say about the way that schools are crushing our creativity, i certainly did!

a reminder to myself and others

2011-01-13T11:02:00.001-07:00

this ted talk by Jonathan Haidt on the moral roots of liberals and conservatives is a good reminder that when we break down our differences into a simple matrix of what 'we' believe and how 'they' are wrong, we all loose.

i often need this reminder, perhaps more than most people. especially today when i received an email from a volunteer telling me about the trip her church is about to take to bring their youth group to a developing country and 'visit with the victims of trafficking staying in a rescue centre' as an educational opportunity.

blah. i may not be right all the time, but i feel quite justified in saying that reeks of another form of exploitation and although it is not as traumatic as the first likely was, it will still have lasting impacts on a macro level. ew.

ted on a tuesday

2011-01-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

you know it is a rather monotonous day of work when i come up with more ted talk recommendations.

as my go to website that i am allowed to stream video from at work (there are not many), ted has a few gems up on its main page at the moment. take a look if you too need some stimulating background noise to desk work that you are not particularly thrilled about. or if you just want to watch some inspiring talks by two humble individuals.

i love a lady who isn't afraid to drop an eff bomb if it makes her point clear (although she refrains in this talk). peace activists don't always get a lot of credit from the 'establishment,' but i think that Jody Williams can speak their language and to boot, she is not an avowed pacifist. which means she gets my vote. for what, i don't know, but a vote nonetheless.

a canadian kid whose life didn't go quite as he planned (ever heard that one before?) turned it into an internet sensation and then a best selling book. Neil Parischa talks about the As of awesome and how no one is immune to hardship or negative experiences, but that being authentic is one of the ways to get through it. this should be required viewing. for everyone.

medium thumb

2011-01-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

i saw Black Swan! another movie on my Movies To See 2010 spreadsheet that i created over the holidays (no, i am not kidding). and i did it on the comfort of my own couch (maybe i shouldn't be announcing this on the intertubes, but i just heard on a ted talk that about a bazillion (or maybe something like 15,000?) blogs are started everyday so i am sure my corner of the www is relatively safe from bill gates or whoever it is that patrols the internet looking for people who admit they download and watch pirated movies.

besides, i used to buy this shit at the market in nairobi, which i never saw as being wrong as i was all the way over there in africa (the country), you know.

anywho, back to the movie.

it was ok. it was not fabulous. but i sense that everyone is going to go on and on about how fabulous it is simply because it is raw, interesting to watch, a little bizaare at times, and has a famous actress playing a dark role. and sometimes, that is what art is all about (isn't it?).

the acting is good, i suppose. the costumes and dancing are fun to watch for someone who is addicted to So You Think You Can Dance (but finds the acronym SYTYCD a little cumbersome). the story is lame and never gathers enough steam. and the sex is vulgar and not particularly entertaining.

but the ending is good, so if that is any reason to watch it, there you have it.

i had high hopes and let me just say that i am glad i didn't pay to see it, but that i am glad that i saw it.

best movie of the year

2011-01-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

ok, so i am not a prolific movie viewer and many of the ones i do see are the only palatable ones offered on my cable provider at home. but i have had a craving for movies in the theatre lately (and not just for the buttery popcorn) and gathered up some friends to see The King's Speech this week.

and it was phenomenal. i call oscar nods for both of colin firth and geoffrey rush. i have never been disappointed by firth or rush and i am convinced that they are so instrumental to this film's success that they deserve all the accolades that come their way.

the story of the british monarchy is fascinating, the cinematography of a post-war london is stunning, and there are more than a few laughs.

i hope you will spend a few hours, watch this movie, and learn a little bit of 20th century european history. awesome.

today at work

2011-01-07T20:02:00.005-07:00

here are some of the things that happened today at work (x2) that make me love my jobs:

my boss and i figured out the percentage of time that humans have been capable of rational thought and then came up with a tonne of examples on how we screwed ourselves over by evolving (never underestimate having a boss that has also studied evolutionary psychology)
my boss also saw me at work, dressed in skinny jeans rolled up with chuck taylors and asked where my skateboard was. then my colleague (and friend) had to educate him in current fashion and the term 'hipster.'
i found out that i can access twitter at work! this is great as i think that i am addicted. i used to think it was simply a way for people to tell the world they just took a whiz (and for some, it likely is), but i already feel incredibly connected and have been referred to a number of great resources and links.
i was approached by another volunteer, bringing my total up to 98 volunteers. (this is not necessarily one of the reasons that i love my job, in fact it makes it exponentially more difficult and less rewarding the more volunteers i collect, but demonstrates i am doing something right, i suppose).
two of my favourite volunteers invited me out for dinner and drinks tomorrow. and although that might appear like a slight conflict of interest, i am confident it is not. i trust it will be a great.
i am getting a whack of american dollars at the current wicked exchange rate for my upcoming trip to... new york city!!! (yes, i got the spot on the training! and i suppose that the cash is not a result of my job, but a good friend's job so i am throwing it in here).

29+12

2011-01-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it.  considering the craziness the holidays can bring, i felt relatively calm. i think my anxiety had to take a back seat to my head cold right before christmas as i laid low and tried to get well before the holiday season took over.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. i hope that everyone liked my gifts for christmas, i feel pretty good about that what i chose to give (apart from the gift card overload for one brother because no one ever knows what to get him). having spent the past weekend at a wedding, i feel that those around me knew how important they are, it really was lovely.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  as much as i want to visit friends and family who live in different places, i now have a spare room and a sofa bed to welcome guests!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  i have deemed 2011 the year of the life plan. a year where i hope i find my next path that will provide me with direction towards a goal. i am still debating about a potential career opportunity and mainly because i am still struggling to answer the question where do i want to be? and what do i want to do?

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  not planning international travel makes it a little easier on the budget. christmas was pricey in some regards, but i am starting 2011 with a small nest egg and some organisation around my finances, although there is certainly a long way to go and a lot for me to learn.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. i have not been cooking too often as there have been so many meals to be eaten with friends and family recently, but they have been pretty stellar and i have eaten well, if not made the healthiest choices... in my post-new years day wedding hangover, i ate wendy's today and as i was dipping a chip in ketchup, i realised that i also had chips with a burger yesterday afternoon for lunch! whoops.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount. while battling my pre-hoilday illness, i slept a lot. i think it helped. and it was quite lovely not to wake up to an alarm to be in the office during my recent staycation. i am not one to make new year's resolutions or to believe the new year really begins in january (i still contend that the year turns over and new beginnings happen in the fall), i think that getting my life in order is at the top of my list. less going out, better sleeping patterns, and making sure that early mornings are not a rarity but a regular occurrence.

8 - maintain my priorities.  i have enjoyed a slower december and like i just said in #7, i am going to get my life better organised in hopes that it will bring clarity of what 2011 will be about. and more importantly, what i want it to be about. i guess i have not so much maintained my priorities, but set myself up to nail down some priorities.

9 - keep asking for what i want. i applied to go to new york in february with unicef for training and the first email that i got on new years day was confirmation that i have been selected to participate! i suppose that is a pretty good way to kick off the new year. but what is most important is that i need to do better at figuring out what i want to ask for. that is what 2011 will be about. or so i hope!

the year of technology embrace

2010-12-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

i have decided that 2011 will be the year of technology embrace for me. i am getting my twitter account in order (although have yet to tweet a damn thing) and am going to make an effort to use it to learn, share information, and connect with others. so look me up: thingsiknow.

next up is linked in. i had an account years ago and shut it down because i didn't like it showing up when i googled myself (funny how things change...), but am feeling as though it might be a good resource for me for professional opportunities. and considering i am struggling to figure out what i want to be when i grow up, maybe it can help.

so follow me on twitter and let me know what you think of linked in. are you on it? is it useful? does it take a lot time to maintain?

holidays are for movie watching

2010-12-28T15:47:00.003-07:00

i've seen some movies lately and thought i would share my thoughts in case you, like me, enjoy heading to the theatres over christmas.

first off, The Social Network was really good. dark, but good. of course, i would love to know where the hollywood writers picked up after the trail went cold from mark zuckerberg, but fascinating nonetheless. and if i learned anything it is that harvard as an undergrad would suck and i would likely never feel like i was cool enough, rich enough, or smart enough.

and who knew that sean parker of napster fame was still a part owner of facebook? or that they dropped the 'the'? or that it all began because there actually was something called the facebook at harvard?

one of my bros got Salt for christmas so we piled on to the couch on jesus' birthday and watched the worst version of angelina jolie doing an action film ever. the stunts were way too far fetched to be believable and what could have been an engaging story line (russian sleeper spy emerges to save america and the world) was thin, flat, and had too many loose ends. give it a miss.

The Kids Are All Right has some oscar buzz and a golden globe nomination and it is worth it. a film that makes being gay normal and not glamorous is refreshing. the story is a bit slow and heavy on dialogue, but that is my kind of entertainment. julianna moore and annette bening are unsurprisingly awesome and mark ruffalo is a delight. i am curious to know what next for the family after they go through an affair that shakes their entire foundation. but, like the title suggests, i'm sure the kids will be all right.

i haven't seen many movies this past year, but have started myself an excel spreadsheet to list the titles i want to see. and hopefully while i have some extra time during my mini staycation. interested in what is on my list?

Never Let Me Go
Despicable Me

wham!

2010-12-23T23:37:00.002-07:00

who knew the video was so disastrously bad? but still so good, in all its awfulness...

more ted to get you through the day

2010-12-22T20:54:00.002-07:00

along with being sick at home on monday, i have also had a lot of reporting to do at work, the kind where you can just plug your earphones in and power through it. it is essential to have something interesting to listen to and watch, when you need a break.

and because i just can't keep good ideas to myself, here are a few more ted talks, if you also have some time to kill over the holidays.

sheryl sandberg, the chief operation officer at facebook talks about the three reasons we don't have more women in leadership roles. i just kept thinking, 'oh yeah,' 'uh huh' as i was watching and listening to this. so much so, that i sent it to two women that i work closely with who are delights to manage whereas i am constantly pulling teeth with the middle aged men that i am expected to direct and lead on a project.

here's sandberg's message in short: sit at the table, make your partner your real partner, and don't leave before you leave.

women consistently underestimate themselves and credit their success to luck or external factors. and women are not well regarded when they achieve professional success, instead, they are often less liked because of it.

this talk is awesome and not because it is some fanatical feminist diatribe or condemning men for their treatment of men or overly academic. awesome.

ed ulbrich, the team lead on the development of the special effects for the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (which i loved!), talks about how they pushed technology to its limits to create benajamin's face.

it is fascinating how they did it and to see the footage of how they used brad pitt's face and his iteration of the character to create something that didn't previously exist in more ways than one. amazing.

who needs spirit?!

2010-12-21T11:18:00.002-07:00

you can get a dose of it here.

thanks to my sis, for sending it along.

my score was 19/30 on this seasonal movie quiz, what's yours?

a trio of ted talks

2010-12-21T00:18:00.001-07:00

i have been battling a head cold/self-diagnosed chest infection (that my mom is worried might be pneumonia or bronchitis) since friday, but i did manage to rally and go to a girls' christmas potluck, a 3rd annual 29th birthday party, a bridal shower, a hen night, and a family christmas dinner.

i am pretty sure that all that activity over the weekend has meant that i didn't have enough in the tank to fend off whatever is ailing me and i stayed at home and took a sick day today. that meant i had a lot of internet time and came up with a few beauties that i thought i would share.

let's talk parenting taboos: rufus griscom & alisa volkman
although i am not a parent, i can only imagine the anxiety that having to take of a baby and then a child to raise would invoke in me. and part of that is because there are so many messages, and i would argue most of them directed at women specifically, about what parenting should look and feel like. and i think these two do a good job of blowing that myth out of the water while speaking frankly about their experiences as encouragement for others to do the same. it is all about being real and it sounds like parenting is no different.

an independent diplomat: carne ross
once you get past his introduction, which sounds a little self indulgent, this former british foreign service officer has a great message and i liked what he had to say about how the best things that happen to him were 'random.'

his ngo independent diplomat is innovative and responding to the ever evolving world order, which are not words you would ever use to describe the traditional diplomatic corps. his message lends itself well to my own experience of having exposure to the private sector to improve my performance and analysis within the non-profit sector. and i wish more people saw the value of that cross pollination of ideas and principles and it seems that ross does.

and i agree with him entirely on his statement: 'the government of south sudan, you heard it here first, is going to be a new country in the next few years' and that he can make the connection between you and i and el shabaab, the somali militia organisation. the world is shrinking and as it changes, the tool, agencies, and systems that we have used to make sense of it all also need to evolve at the same speed. and the un is sadly lagging behind the innovators and great thinkers.

and to think, i went through many years of international relations and international development organisation asking who western sahara belongs to and here, the answer is on ted.

now... where is my cliff to fall off??

and this one takes the ted cake today - michael spector: the danger of science denial
one of my passions is learning and this paired with my commitment to social justice and socioeconomic development lends itself nicely to questioning what we know (or think we know) and then applying the scientific method to learn more about it to improve. in a practical sense, this means that how we think we are helping can and should be examined, but rarely is. doing good seems to be acceptable because it is accepted that charity or development or donations are good in and of themselves. spector has the guts to say that attitude is wrong.

pseudo science and anecdotal information has taken over our collective knowledge retention and transfer. and it is scary what can happen when we dismiss scientific evidence and confuse correlation and causation (and all those social science kids out there are likely nodding their heads along with spector throughout his talk). we have more access to information than ever before and on one hand, i think that this radical democratic style of information sharing makes for a more dynamic and diverse conversation, but on the other hand, more crappy ideas, bad science, and misinformation is also shared in equal measure, if not more.

here's are some truths that spektor highlights that science has demonstrated to us time and time again:

vaccines don't cause autism
vitamins won't make you healthier
all of our food has been genetically engineered to look, taste, and smell the way it does
organic food is a rip off
by not embracing scientific advancement in food production, we won't be able to feed all the people on the planet

this was a breath of fresh air for someone who often feels as though they are fighting against more people within the non-profit/development/charitable giving sector than outside of it to demonstrate not all international development projects are good, not all non-profit agencies deserve people's donations of time and money, and giving is not always better than receiving.

questions i have asked myself recently

2010-12-11T13:54:00.003-07:00

will anyone know that it was me that set the fire alarm off at 11:15pm by cooking beef bourguinon? followed a few days later with: who the hell is cooking at 2am and set the damn fire alarm off when i was sleeping?!
what does a life coach do and do i need one?
how do you pay a speeding ticket that you seem to have lost?
who would ever buy this or this?
what do i want to be when i grow up?
what will i feed my dad for 5 days when he stays with me?
will i be selected to attend a gbv training in new york city? and, please pick me (which is not really a question, but i am just putting it out there).
will i be able to get a taxi after tonight's christmas party?
should i put a pair of flats in my purse in case my feet start to hurt?
if i bring a pair of flats but still manage to fall on someone's boss' table, can i really blame my sore feet and high heels for it if i am wearing flats?
why don't i know many eligible bachelors in this city to set my amazing female friends up with?
how will i decorate my office/spare bedroom now that i have a sofa bed?
is Last Christmas by Wham! the best christmas song ever? (the answer is yes).
should i keep my bangs down or swept to the side? should i stop cutting them myself?
how do i stop people from wanting to start their own ngos to combat human trafficking in cambodia? (i am taking suggestions on this one).
why do i have a blog and why haven't i been writing much lately?

29+11

2010-12-08T16:18:00.002-07:00

i am late again on the monthly goal update. and i am almost through my 29th year! yay. and eek. and wow.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it. eesh. constant battle. uphill and then some downhill. and then there was november. it was tough. but it is over! anxiety can be a temperamental bitch.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. with the upcoming holiday season, i am trying to keep on top of this and have confidence that i will. i also have some bits and bobs to send off to friends in south africa so i had better get those in the post asap.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority. my next trip will hopefully be a visit with dear friends in the states, although the details are yet to be finalised. and i will have a parental house guest over christmas so there will certainly be plenty of visiting!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals. remember the anxiety surrounding november? well, much of it was related to this. i have gathered quite the momentum over the past few years, culminating in recognition as one of the top leaders in my city under 40, but that recognition has made me wonder 'now what?' and worry about how i can improve and grow. this should be a time where i am able to focus on opportunity, but sometimes having too many choices can be equally overwhelming as not having enough. i am not complaining, just working through the kinks. in doing so, i really hope a pathway emerges towards a goal...

then again, i feel like i have been saying that months on end!

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest. doing well! i also overcame a slight panic about my corporate taxes and how much i owed the government by talking with my accountant this past month. i am in good shape and set for the upcoming fiscal year. even if i have spent the better part of my afternoon at work looking up cheap beach vacation packages!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. two months running for a fat goose egg! i have been cooking more regularly at home and whipping up some delicious meals. after spending a hung over sunday afternoon watching anthony bourdaine's cooking show where he taught his viewership how to make a delightful beef bourguinon, i decided to try my own hand at the classic french dish. at 10pm. on a tuesday.

everything was going well until i was frying the pearl onions in butter and oil on my stove (it was 11:15pm by this point) and my smoke alarm went off! which means it does not just go off in my own building, but in the three buildings in my townhouse complex!! meaning that everyone had to either put up with the high pitched screeching that the alarm makes or wait out in the -10 degree cold while we waited for the firefighters to come and reset the alarm!!!

except for me, who hid in my house and thought it best that i clean up my entire kitchen, put my cook book away, take off my apron, and make a feeble attempt to hide all evidence that it was me who was cooking at 11pm!

but, perhaps arrogantly, i did not turn the bourguinon off as to not interrupt its delicious cooking process in the oven. and it truly was a delight when it was done cooking. and after the smoke alarm went off.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount. during periods of intense anxiety, one of my coping mechanisms (healthy or not) is to sleep. and then sleep some more. i know it helps my mind turn off for awhile, but it certainly gets in the way of actual real, wakeful life when you sleep for 12 hours in a day. as my mood has improved, so has my sleeping schedule and i have intentionally scheduled a lot more down time during the month of december to make sure i am not overworked or overburdened with too many social or professional commitments.

8 - maintain my priorities. as i just mentioned, i have made a mindful decision not to book myself up too much this month and it has resulted in a happier, more balanced me. i am still not totally sure what my priorities would be if i listed them or what order they would appear, but simply having ME at the top has been good for my spirit. i think this is something i will need to spend more time on in the new year and it will likely have a positive impact on goals 1 and 4 as well.

9 - keep asking for what i want. i recently asked to go to a training on working with the aboriginal community in canada that was approved (and paid for!) at work (but since postponed until the new year). i suspected raising my hand at work will be necessary and beneficial for me in the coming months, but i am going to make sure i am asking for the work that i want to do and am interested in.

i have also asked for a reorganisation in my non-profit work. the outcome of this restructuring could mean that i can take a step back by hiring someone who will work under me and take care of administrative tasks to free my time for higher level discussions, relationship building, and capacity building. and that will all be good.

i also made a christmas list! and it includes sparkling water because that stuff is heavy, yo! and i struggle to carry it home from the grocery store. it is so delicious and one of my guilty pleasures (along with cooking beef bourguinon late at night!)

pardon the rant

2010-11-30T22:33:00.002-07:00

does anyone feel like doing me a favour?

could you please read nicholas kristof's column A Woman. A Prostitute. A Slave. and tell me what the hell it is about??

he seems to be drawing attention to the fact that sexual exploitation happens in the us. he also wants to warn those men buying sex that not all women choose to sell sex. then he goes on to describe a situation where someone consenting to entering the states illegally, but was then exploited (a classic case of trafficking that baffles law enforcement and border services, true), but then he quickly segues into a warning that this is also happening to americans, especially those pesky runaways.

and that is about all he says. as though it is new information. as if he has somehow uncovered this otherwise underground and unknown story. and what is going on with that horrible title? he could have taken the opportunity to really dig into the issue about the debate around the consensual sex trade vs sexual exploitation or how those who pay for sex can be the eyes and ears on the ground to identifying cases of forced sex.

but no, just some bland, latent column building the kristof's image as someone who CARES and is MAKING A DIFFERENCE. blah. not what i wanted to read today. of all weeks, i am a little frustrated and sick of the whole field of difference makers and compassionate citizenry and, the worst of them all, social justice.

all those words are thrown around as though they mean something, as though they translate into meaninful action. people attend film festivals or a speaking engagement or tell someone how much they care about the people of darfur/women being raped in the congo/the earthquake victims in haiti and there you have it, they've done something.

but here is a great ted talk by esther duflo, if you want a better perspective of how and what actually does make a difference. and how complicated the whole arena of socioeconomic development is.

my apologies for the rant, but man, i have felt irritated about issues like these lately and this column sent me over the top.

cringe ready

2010-11-25T23:29:00.002-07:00

i am mildly dreading the series premier of abc's new show Off The Map. i anticipate it being full of assumptions about americans living abroad doing meaningful, heartwarming, humanitarian work in a "third world country," as their trailer describes.

its claim is to be about a group of young, dynamic doctors who set up a clinic in a non-descript, generic south american jungle village where they are going to practice medicine in a resource constrained environment.

i will watch it, but i expect to be cringing a lot. at the anticipated flippant remarks about development and aid and the stereotypes of the heroic foreigners swooping in to solve the problems that locals have had for years, but were hopeless and helpless to do anything for themselves (obviously).

but maybe, just maybe i will be proven wrong and the show will dive deep into the complexities of an expat's life, why american doctors choose to follow that career path, and the moral and ethical dilemmas that the doctors will encounter.

or maybe it will be some more bubble gum for the brain where a bunch of doctors, played by attractive actors in an ensemble cast, all date one another incestuous season after incestuous season.

then again, i shouldn't expect too much from abc, the network that just sent arizona to "africa" to save the tiny (and no doubt, poor and dirty) humans.

it gets better

2010-11-18T00:37:00.001-07:00

this video breaks my heart, but gives me more hope than anything.

if you haven't already, watch the video that went viral and began the movement called the it gets better project.

what an inspiring message - it does get better and it's up to all us to make sure that it does.

'tis the season of red cups, party dresses, baking days, and the peanuts christmas special

2010-11-17T23:34:00.001-07:00

so what's going on with me lately?

i seem to have my life under control. i was seriously debating hosting a christmas (or non-denominational seasonally festive, if you prefer) party, but have decided against it because i am just now feeling as though i am on top of my life for the first time in a few months. it feels good.

instead, i think i will host myself a birthday party. because i am turning 30 in february and they tell me that this is one of those milestone birthdays and i haven't had one of those in awhile.

work (x2) is going surprisingly well. i thought i would be drowning in tasks and to do lists, but i am keeping my head above water, if only just. the energy and recognition i have received since the avenue top 40 under 40 was released has kept me motivated and moving forward and i am hoping i can ride that momentum out as much as possible.

my volunteers are no longer zapping me of all my spirit and i am finding the language to flip their assumptions and misconceptions on their heads without being offensive. i am asked to host, present, and attend various events and i am now picking and choosing which ones i attend rather than just saying yes.

for instance, i get to have lunch with calgary's new mayor tomorrow! well, me and a bunch of other people, but i am still looking forward to it. but i haven't figured out what i will wear. and this seems like a rather important decision to make.

overall, my attitude is positive, my outlook is optimistic, and i am looking forward to some exciting things to celebrate the holiday season: the annual girls' christmas baking day, family traditions, an invitation to a christmas party where i can wear betsey again, and hopefully some downtime at the cabin.

amongst all this good stuff, i am trying not to feel as though i am not doing enough (whatever enough is), not to stress about what my next steps are, or about the seeming lack of any available, interesting, and intriguing men in my path! but that is a post and line of thinking for another post and another day.

read it

2010-11-15T21:48:00.001-07:00

the guardian has done a good job explaining why you and her and me shouldn't go to africa to volunteer.

clear, concise, and straight to the point.

now, maybe i can reference this when i decide to bring up my opinions on voluntourism to orphanages at breakfast parties and am met with blinking eyes and cold stares.

just another monday

2010-11-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

reasons why today was great:

it was housekeeper day (formally called maid day)
my book club book arrived! now i have to hurry up and get reading When a Crocodile Eats the Sun by Peter Godwin
a pvr'ed episode of Weeds
a new recipe, that i only chose because of the photo that accompanied it as it is not something i would normally pick:

noodles and peanut sauce salad bowl

8 oz uncooked whole wheat linguine, broken in half
2 cups fresh broccoli florets
1 cup julienne carrots (mine were more like slices)
1 medium bell pepper, cut into bite size pieces (mine were more like slices)
2 tbsp water
2 tsp canola oil (except i used sesame oil0
1/4 cup peanut butter
2 tbsp rice vinegar
2 tbsp soy sauce
1/2 tsp ground ginger (but i misread this and put in more than 2 tsp of freshly grated ginger, which likely increased the deliciousness)
1/8 ground red pepper
3 medium green onions, chopped
3 tbsp chopped fresh cilantro

1 - cook linguine, adding broccoli, carrots and bell pepper during last minute of cooking (but i added mine about halfway through the cooking); drain. rinse with cool water.
2 - in small bowl, gradually beat water and oil into peanut butter with sire whisk until smooth. beat in vinegar, soy sauce, and ground red pepper.
3 - in large serving bowl, stir together pasta mixture, peanut sauce, onions, and cilantro until well mixed.

29+8

2010-11-05T00:24:00.002-06:00

i just realised that i hadn't updated my goals for october, so here they are!

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it. i had a little anxiety around social engagements last week, especially to go to events where i was the focus of the attention, but i feel on top of things this week and rather optimistic about the future, which is great. and wards off the anxiety. but i do miss those wild dreams on anti-anxiety meds!

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions.  texts, cards, calls. just need to work on the gifts, especially as it is coming up to christmas season and i want to make sure that i am not scrambling to pick stuff up for the people on my list. i am hoping to think of some good ideas.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  i don't have any plans for trips to see anyone after my whirlwind trip of visiting in south africa. but i do have a lot of fun events coming up with friends and family. birthday dinners, birthday drinks, ladies christmas pot-luck, baking day, wine tasting with the girls, bridal showers and stagettes, family christmas traditions to look forward to, and the icing on the cake will be a close friend's wedding in banff. i think it will be a pretty fantastic holiday season and i am going to get things started early (which i figure is completely acceptable because starbucks has released the red cups, marking the official beginning of the holiday season! well, sort of).

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals. this is connected to #1. i feel good about what is to come. it has been wonderful to get credit for a job well done in my current positions and for my managers and high ups to congratulate me on my accomplishments. my company advertised in the same magazine that i was featured in and in the ad they said that i was compassionate, committed, and deserving of the accolade. my past 9 months have been taken over with thoughts of 'what next?' and 'where to?' and not feeling as though i am doing what i should be. i am still not sure what the answers to those questions are, but i am content with where i am professionally and that is the best i have felt about #4 all year.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  i'm laying off the international travel for awhile. that should help in the savings department. and so will looking forward to the next tax season, eesh. working so much is keeping my expenses down as i rarely have time to go out and buy frivolous things. oh, except for my betsey dress. but that was a deal! and for an event!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. this one gets a big, old fail. i have only been for groceries since returning from south africa a few weeks ago (and once for a single celery stalk that cost $0.31) and have little to make a meal out of in my house. so instead, i grab something on my way home from work. this week i have had a vietnamese sub, souvlaki, won ton soup, left over pizza, and a frozen pizza i scrounged out of my freezer. and this evening my snack was a can of mushrooms, which i know disgust some people, but they are one of my secret guilty food pleasures!

7 - sleep an appropriate amount. this waxes and wanes. some mornings i wake up feeling peppy and ready for the day and others, i feel like i could just scrunch down further under my duvet and turn my alarm off. i spent most of sunday catching up on sleep/feeling rather hung over, but the larger problem is working 12 hours in a day and not having enough time at the end of it to unwind. i have found that a few glasses of wine help!

8 - maintain my priorities.  although i am not exactly sure what my priorities are, i feel as though they are in check. or at the least, they are not out of balance at the moment. leaving calgary and canada behind always helps me to do this and being in south africa certainly did. maybe the first step to really achieving this is to establish my priorities...

9 - keep asking for what i want.  well, soon i will be asking for the removal of support of an organisation that i don't agree with at work and that sort of counts. i have been given a number wonderful things lately and i feel like right now, i don't need to ask for a thing. instead, i feel like i have a lot to give.

leading the charge

2010-11-04T23:38:00.000-06:00

this week has been another busy one for me, but one i have really enjoyed. i am not sure what happened in the last week, but i have newfound motivation, inspiration, and excitement about my work. it might have come with the recognition i received from the avenue magazine, but where ever it came from, i have run with it this week.

one of the new things that i have added to my plate, sort of inadvertently, is to lead the charge to get the company i work for to stop supporting the operation christmas child programme of samaritan's purse. it bugged me last year and it bugged me again this year. i found out that there were a few others at work who are also concerned about this, so i have a meeting next week and i just have to remember not to step on anyone's toes and have my ducks in a row before i go in there.

so, here are my ducks.

we state that we will not financially support religious organisations and this is not only a faith based organisations, but is an organisation that openly and proudly evangelizes and proselytizes. the campaign consists of filling shoeboxes with small gifts of books, toys, candy, and hygiene products, which the organisation claims are needed. essentially, we fill boxes with crap and send it overseas. and in the process, we enlarge our environmental footprint, flood a local market with stuff that could likely be locally sourced (and thereby, stimulate the economy), and export our values and perspective of mass consumerism during the holidays.

it is the typical and useless, quite likely harmful, practice of giving gifts-in-kind in a method that is complete donor driven and riddled with our own wishes rather than the wishes and expressed needs of the people we are intending to "help."

how does that sound?

there is more information on a website that has been developed to draw attention to these issues: www.pursestrings.ca

and alternatively, i need to come up with a few other options of how people can get involved in both domestic and international projects at christmas. ideas??

feeling like kind of a big deal!

2010-11-02T00:00:00.003-06:00

the cat's outta the bag. i can finally tell people about this incredible honour that i received recently. one of avenue magazine's top 40 under 40 in calgary.

and well, i am posting it here because sometimes i suppose it is ok when private and professional lives collide. and i feel pretty fantastic about it, especially having met some of the other recipients who were wonderfully inspiring.

i had to have the online article revised with a word change because apparently i was one who felt the need to overcome 'diversity!' i know i was nervous when they interviewed me, but i am pretty sure that it was adversity that i think is essential to overcome in order to grow!

my lovely sister was the one who nominated me and i found out back in july that i was going to be recognised and i had to keep quiet until last week when the magazine was released. there was a lovely event to announce the 40 and it was pretty fantastic to spend it with my sister, brother in law, and one of my best friends. and i wore this. and you can't go wrong when you wear betsey.

and i am surprised to see who has come out of the facebook woodwork to express their congratulations and well wishes. i am not complaining in the slightest, but it has been slightly overwhelming, but very reassuring that there are a lot of people behind me even if i don't talk to them regularly. and of course there are those people i do talk to regularly. and they are pretty damn awesome. including my youngest brother who told me that i sounded intelligent. and well, there are very few reassurances stronger than that.

so, there you have it. part of the reason for my silence lately.

where maids have maids

2010-10-24T20:42:00.001-06:00

i really liked this photo essay of the middle class in africa. this is the kenya i was best acquainted with when i lived there. and one that is rarely represented in the media, although if you peruse my facebook photos, you'll likely see a few similar shots!

southern south africa, in a nutshell

2010-10-18T15:04:00.002-06:00

it's lame, but here is a list of stuff i've been up to the past few weeks (if you are so inclined to be interested). i need time to process the things i have done, the people i have seen, and the thoughts i have thought over the past three weeks, but in the meantime...

cape town

i still love this city
i saw the colours, mosques, and unique architecture of the bo-kaap for the first time this visit
a trip up table mountain in the cable car is certainly worth it (and maybe one day i will hike all the way up the mountain)
staying at the westin grand was grand. so was the spa. and the waterbeds where you get to wait for your toes to dry after a pedicure.
weddings and dress fittings and chaos, oh my!
i could watch the boulders beach penguins for hours
entering the main central train station from the back makes you think you are in africa. exiting it from the front makes you think you are in europe.
a few roads to nowhere that were there when i visited 5 years ago and are still there. just unfinished freeways in the centre of the city, no big deal.

stellenbosch

a farm town anywhere is a farm town everywhere.
protea farms are neato. proteas are also neato. buy one next time you see one in the shops (or shoppies as the south africans might call them) and rest assured that it will last 3-4 weeks (which might offset the guilt for purchasing a flower that had to be transported from so far away).
might i suggest staying at the sugarbird manor if you visit stellenbosch? their staff are wonderful and their cats are so cuddly. and watching the guinea fowl run across the lawn will make you giggle every time, i swear.
wine tasting at bilton was accompanied by chocolate, delicious. i kept thinking that it was missing a G though and it should've been biltong as we are in south africa.
lunch at asara was also yummy. the fish and chips were, as my mom put it, the best she's EVER had.
views every way you look, stunning.
lunch at jordan. springbok tartar. amazing.
zipping through the hills in our rented hyundai atos, otherwise known as the lunchbox.

franschhoek

the friendliest americans and brits at the guesthouse.
a place for foodies and for anyone who can appreciate a good meal and a glass of wine.
evenings of wine (and sherry) drinking with our hosts who provided us with a history lesson of rural south africa, both good and bad.
dinner at dutch east. perhaps the best fish i have ever had. ever.
a continuation of south africa's wonderful service.
even the pubs serve gourmet food, including the scrumptious burger at elephant and barrel, which we shared along with some much-needed pints of beer after all that wine!
one of the best meals i have ever had at reuben's. ever. see a theme here?! a little piece of trivia - reuben is taking over from gordon effing ramsay at the cape town one&only hotel's restaurant. yes, he's that good. and so were the staff at his restaurant.
a wine tasting with hilarious scots at solms-delta was followed by an incredibly informative social history tour with johan throughout the winery. this place is a must-see if you are in the area, it is the site of a san living site hundreds of years ago and then of a homestead of european farmers. and i want to bottle johan's intelligence and enthusiasm for nature, people, and learning and sell it, it was that encouraging and inspiring.

bredasdorp

this is where i lived 5 years ago.
it hasn't changed much. a few new shops and some roadworks, but otherwise the same.
surprising aunty joey, the woman i lived with, was something i will never forget. and i am certain, neither will she.
as happens in small towns, the phone was soon ringing with people confirming that yes, i had shown up unexpectedly.
and she baked me melktert. whipped it up. just for me. i also want to bottle this 60+ year old's energy, love, and spirit. but i am not sure i would want to share it with anyone. it is that special.
my own milk tart, just to reiterate.
a trip to struisbaai and l'agulhas - the most southern point in africa! as they do not hesitate to advertise everywhere.
fynbos. and the some more fynbos.

hermanus

whales! whales from the coast and whales from a boat.
the wind returns. eesh.
final bits of shopping. woolworths. pick n pay. other shoppies.
a random siting of a woman i used to work with in kenya.
lunch at burgundy. another delectable steak, cooked to perfection.
cape dutch and more cape dutch houses.
calla lilies and more calla lilies growing like weeds.

10 for cape town

2010-10-08T00:38:00.003-06:00

k gave me an idea. or more like, i am copying her post!

10 things about cape town, after a week of visiting.

1 - it gets windy!

2 - the back of the main train station is a little grimy. the front? completely clean, shiny, and spruced up for the world cup.

3 - speaking of the world cup, there is a lot of contention about how much greenpoint stadium cost to refurbish and it hosted 8 games.

4 - apparently if something is hot, you say it is 'as hot as kenya' because there is some understanding that kenya is always hot! this makes me laugh when i think of sitting in my office with my blankets and scarves wrapped around me, leaning towards my computer because it gave off heat, and dreading the next time someone would open my office door and let cool air inside during july in nairobi.

5 - 'taxi' is a shared minibus. 'cab' is a north american style taxi. they both get you to where you are going, one just takes longer and the other is prohibitively expensive for most capetonians.

6 - going on township tours seems as weird as ever, especially after spending the day there to visit my friend and her family.

7 - melktert has been missing from my life since i arrived, but i WILL find it!

8 - the westin grand has a breakfast that compares to a mini banff springs brunch. the service is top notch and i have yet to explore the services available in the spa. people, save your aeroplan points and you too can live the life of luxury!

9 - i wasn't sure that it would be, but going up the cable car to the top of table mountain (or as my mom calls it, table top mountain) is worth it.

10 - there is a big crate man built at the waterfront out of old coca cola crates that i think is pretty awesome. his name is elliot.

i liked it, so should you

2010-10-07T00:11:00.000-06:00

my laptop battery is dying and as i await the room delivery of the converter that i need to charge it, i leave you with this, an absolute must read for anyone who wants the skinny on why those billions of dollars have been held up by the us senate that were earmarked for haiti reconstruction.

and (bonus!) there is a great little bit on why the word 'orphanage' should give you a rash.

http://laurenist.wordpress.com/2010/10/07/in-which-i-ask-lady-gaga-to-help-raise-1-15-billion-for-haiti/

a page-turner, i concede

2010-10-03T12:49:00.000-06:00

today, while sitting in a catholic church in a small town outside of cape town, i finished The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. and what did i think? meh. good, entertaining, captivating at points. but not well written and i am not sure if this is due to the author's writing skills or lacklustre translation from swedish to english, but errors like 'disinformation' instead of 'misinformation,' improper hyphenation, and the use of the word 'had' in duplication in a sentence drove me batty.

some might not be bothered by the writing style and it might interest you to read about the perversions of society, but i needed to finish it to find out the conclusion to the story and less because i really cared about the resolution or the characters involved.

like i said, the story was a page-turner indeed, but i felt it lacked depth and i still don't feel as though i really know the main characters after 800 pages. which, to be perfectly honest, might be enough for me to pick up the second in the series as i am slightly intrigued.

pick it up, it won't be tough to finish if you have a little time on your hands, but don't expect it to live up to the hype (remember The Da Vinci Code...?)

kaapstad

2010-10-01T22:50:00.000-06:00

after a journey that felt like nearly forever, a little shopping jaunt in london's heathrow, and a tearful reunion at the cape town airport, my mom and i have settled in to our hotel (with a view of the atlantic and the smell of a bakery in the wee morning hours!) and are ready to take on the mother city.

it is a funny thing to come back to a place after 5 years and to be reminded of small things (the ever honking shared taxis plying the roads for passengers, the way south african pronounce 'here' like 'he-er,' and the newspaper headlines stuck on street posts) and to see how things have noticeably changed.

i was last in cape town after south africa had been officially democratic for 10 years (in 2005) and even had the opportunity to attend the african national congress' celebration of democracy (where i was one of the only white faces in the crowd that had barely a dry eye because of the pride and excitement), but i rarely saw mixed race couples or groups of people of all colours out together. in one short day, i already have the sense that it is different now.

and who am i to make such bold statements, but in my experience, it feels like a more diverse and truly rainbow nation. however, we have only been in airports and the rather cosmopolitan area of sea point in cape town and it is surely very different in the cape flats, the townships, and the rural areas.

but all in good time, we will see that face of south africa too.

needless to say, i am thrilled to be back, to have familiar faces welcoming me back to the southern hemisphere, and to be enjoying the stunning weather!

i'll have more of the same

2010-09-28T00:09:00.005-06:00

finally, it seems that 2010 has cleaned up its act and has decided to stop being such a jerk.

as mondays go, this one was pretty stellar. and why?

not waking up to an alarm
still smiling from the high of getting together with my new book club full of wonderful, dynamic women
a new outfit of a skirt on the sale at the gap and a shirt that fits perfectly from my sister paired with a bold necklace with a giant flower and my favourite italian boots purchased in ireland
checking off and throwing away my To Do list at work
an hour long presentation to the most notorious of the law enforcement agencies in canada (you just try breaking into our borders!) met with positive feedback
won ton soup
proofing the text for an ad that i will appear in
setting up a meeting with someone who wants to learn more about my 'consulting services'
an invitation for a south african wine drinking and luggage packing date
a raise. a totally unsolicited raise! a potentially retroactive raise!!
a meeting with my volunteers who continue to inspire me, challenge me, and humour me
purchase of a wall hanging off etsy to bring a little feng shui into my nest
a new episode of weeds
a glass of dry red wine

long may it last.

vancouver island is also rather beautiful

2010-09-25T11:12:00.002-06:00

5 days of excitement to go

2010-09-25T00:10:00.001-06:00

in five days' time i will be on a jetplane, heading to heathrow to transfer to johannesburg and then on to cape town! i have no idea how long it will take to get there, but i am well prepared with three books and a little bit of work that i have committed to finishing while i am away (not so much work as copy writing for a friend). my books of choice include the first two in Stieg Larsson's series, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and The Girl Who Played With Fire. everyone and their dog keeps talking about them, including that there is an element of human trafficking to the story line, so i am jumping on the literary bandwagon and will read them as well.

i also purchased The Help, which i kept picking up at the bookstore and finally bought it online (say what you will about amazon taking away sales from local booksellers, i love the convenience and the process of looking forward to and then receiving a package in the post).

i thought i would have to go on a wild goose chase for shoes to wear to the wedding where i will be a bridesmaid, but i managed to shop in my own closet and find a pair of black, strappy sandals that i got last year in thailand and haven't worn very often back at home. dressy and sassy? no, but they will do for a wedding i am travelling halfway around the world to attend to wear with a dress i have never seen? why yes, yes they are.

as i have mentioned, we've got a few great places to stay already booked and i have noted with asterisks in my lonely planet and rough guide the sights i would like to show my mom in cape town and cape point, wineries i would like to visit in and around stellenbosch, and a whale watching tour out of hermanus. we are also planning on getting to the sleepy town of bredasdorp so i can show my mom where i lived over 5 years ago and i am crossing my fingers that i will see the woman that i lived with while i was there. it might be a bit strange walking up to my the half door of the house and knocking. if she remembers me, i might give her a bit of a heart attack!

i am certainly ready to take a break from the daily grind and the tidal wave i seem to have created. i spent a lot of time this past week getting on top of my To Do list and feel as though i am leaving all my projects in a state that will not spontaneously combust without regular attention - my volunteers have tasks to take care of, my meetings and workshops are all set up for when i returned and my prep work for them is nearly done, i have someone looking after the nest in my absence, and i have tentative hallowe'en plans and a group of girls thinking up a costume for me.

so all that is left is 5 days of excitement and counting down!

29+7

2010-09-21T00:09:00.004-06:00

i am a bit early this month, but i suspect i will have a rather busy 8 days before i leave for south africa with my mama, so i am updating my monthly goals before i head off.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it. this has been easy this month and i am not quite sure why. i have been rather busy and continue to feel stretched, but i am not worrying. i am not panicking. i am ok. it's a nice change.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. my little bro and i are going to see kooza, the cirque du soleil show in calgary at the moment, tomorrow to celebrate his 18th birthday (my little brother is an adult!). and my first christmas gift (for giving, of course) arrived in the mail. we celebrated my mom's birthday at our cabin at the beginning of the month and we were not scrambling to figure out who was going to get what, it was pleasant and a lot of fun.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority. seeing as flying to south africa and touring around the winelands and whale trail after a week in cape town is rather pricey, i think this might be it for this year! but i have managed to get quite a bit of visiting with my dad in and that was a nice change this year. still no trips to eastern canada or the states, but i am still committed to making those trips happen one day. for now, i am satisfied with the time i will spend with friends in south africa and i might even get a chance to see the woman i lived with in bredasdorp, south africa over 5 years ago!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals. hmpf. still no closer. my one grand hope for my time in south africa is that i will take advantage of the distance from my regular life to get some clarity on what my next steps are. i keep waiting for the universe to show me the best path, but i'd be lying if i didn't admit that i am getting a little impatient. faith in the journey, faith in the journey...

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest. i've been careful with my pennies lately. this won't be enough to lay a nest egg, but it will allow me to enjoy my time in the southern hemisphere and know i will be coming back to get right back into my job(s), not only because i will have to catch up on 3 weeks away, but also so i can earn some money!

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. i certainly am not mastering this, but i did spend this past saturday canning pickled beets and salsa, yum. i also made those meatballs last night that were a complete success and me and my slow cooker continue to get to know one another better. i recently renewed my first aid certification, where i was reminded that we can all do something to improve our heart health and i can certainly eat less red meat (when did that happen?!) and make better food choices.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount. success! apart from this past weekend when i had 2 late nights, i have been doing well and feeling rested in the mornings and even making it into my office at a reasonable hour every now and again. i am not appreciating the darker mornings as the seasons change and might feel differently about getting out of my cozy sheets in the morning as soon as it cools down and the mornings stay dark until after i arrive at work, but for now, i'll keep motoring along and when i get behind, take an in-the-bed, pants-off nap!

8 - maintain my priorities. this has certainly been a struggle lately, with competing demands of 2 jobs, a volunteer commitment, and juggling social engagements and fitness. i have found some sort of balance lately and i am not convinced it is permanent, but my decision to get a housekeeper and to say no to invitations from friends and family have helped for the time being. again, when i return from south africa i am going to have to have a bit of an overhaul on the priority front and i am not sure just yet how the chips will fall.

9 - keep asking for what i want. i can't really think of anything i have asked for lately. oh wait, i have asked for some help and guidance on projects for work, which has been endlessly helpful and was instrumental in creating better balance this past month. i walked away from work and put my worries away more than usual this past month and in a sense, that is a form of asking for what i want. even if it is a conversation i have to have with myself.

i am still working on the first piece of this goal - figuring out what i want in order to know how and who to ask for it. i have confidence this is coming down the pipeline. as my mentor at work says, 'as soon as you feel you have no idea what to do next or where to turn, you can be sure that the universe is setting you up for something and you won't know it until you look back.'

i am feeling as though my goal updates are not that interesting or positive these past few months and in many ways, they match my ho-hum attitude. i am going to work on keeping these a little closer to my thoughts throughout the next month and have something super fantastic to say in a few short weeks!

going to the experts

2010-09-20T22:06:00.001-06:00

i can't decide if the best part about Maid Days is the folded triangles on my toilet paper rolls or that all my crap is neatly piled, but i love it. and especially on a day like today where i woke up looking forward to crawling back into my bed in the evening.

and i would be there now if the fire alarm wasn't screaming (and it screams something fierce and likely unsafe for human ears). instead, i have opened a bottle of velvet fog and am waiting it out. shame it is getting darker earlier now or i could enjoy my beer on my balcony and admire the uniformed firemen that come when this happens once each month.

but instead, i am watching the television show that my mom has me hooked on, come dine with me, a channel 4 programme from the uk that is kitschy, hilarious, and real. which is much more than i can say for american reality tv shows and reminds me of life in england when i had dinner parties for my international friends and had to balance halal, vegetarian, south african meat eaters, and 5 flatmates in a shared kitchen.

and on the topic of food, i made my very own meatballs last night! all by myself! for the first time! and they are delicious.

the tidal wave

2010-09-15T16:47:00.001-06:00

by geez, where have i been? oh yes, dealing with my life that seems to be overflowing with To Do items lately. it is not terribly out of the ordinary for me to be busy, but lately i have felt (as my colleague so eloquently put it) that i've created a tidal wave of support and activity and instead of riding it, i am drowning in it.

i suppose it is this way with issue-based work where you need people to be aware of the issue and then you want government to do something about it and then you need to be mindful of whether or not those who are engaged in the response are doing so effectively and responsibly and then you need to deal with the people coming out of the woodwork who just learned about your issue and how it affects their community.

i was feeling rather ho-hum about the whole thing (the 'thing' being my professional life) and that i was zapped of all energy, but today i feel much better. perhaps because i just said to my Day Job 'eff off for a day!' and concentrated on getting caught up on my other job, which is much more rewarding but certainly does not pay the bills.

now i am all set up to host two events in the coming months, deliver three training sessions to government and non-government agencies, have coffee with yahoos who want to start their own organisation, another coffee meeting with the executive director of a really cool agency that supports victims of sexual exploitation, manage 5 kick ass volunteers, write a law school reference letter, draft a research plan, and carry out the regular stuff associated with non-profit management. eesh. but at least now i am sorted, have my files saved the way they should be (funny how this is sometimes so difficult to keep up ith), and feel as though i can ride the tidal wave rather than have it drown me. what a difference a morning makes.

to get all of this done, i worked from home today. it meant recognising that i was far too stretched and stressed with my Day Job and that it was taking away from where i would prefer to spend my energies (but that sadly, doesn't pay quite as well as the private sector). i will pick it all up again tomorrow when i go into my office, but i am going to do my best to remain slightly removed from the bullshit that comes with leading a team to complete a rather undesirable task (hello, audit!).

and all of this is ok because in 2 short weeks i will be in cape town, south africa where my mama and i will be living in the lap of luxury (that is a saying, isn't it?) by staying here and here. and then staying at a protea farm. a protea farm, people! a protea farm in the middle of the winelands. where they grow grapes! and make wine!

yippee.

san francisco is also beautiful

2010-09-06T19:19:00.001-06:00

six months in sudan

2010-09-06T19:12:00.000-06:00

for someone who is mildly obsessed with trying to figure out if international humanitarian assistance or foreign aid makes a positive impact on the lives of those in developing countries, i found almost refreshing to read a book that describes one individual's attempt to achieve what all humanitarians set out to do - improve the lives of others.

whether james maskalyk is successful in his humanitarian quest is secondary to his telling of his six months in sudan, which is also the name of the book, and i am glad that he did not spent his words or pages delving into the academic discussions of how aid should be delivered and what the challenges are for those working in a dynamic and ever shrinking humanitarian space in conflict zones.

instead, you get a honest, heartfelt, angry, and genuine telling of maskalyk's experience of volunteering with medicins sans frontieres in abyei, sudan where there was a simple hospital, small staff and countless challenges and barriers, but he and the msf team, like countless other similar teams active throughout the world, overcome what they can and accept what they cannot change. but if only it were that simple - to understand the beauty of the struggle and the celebration of the successes, you will have to read the book.

i have never worked in a environment as resource constrained or isolated as abyei, but i do know what it is like to question what you are doing, if it is working the way it was intended, and the pain in the ass that is internal organisational politics and i am not sure how, but maskalyk articulated it all so well. there were certainly parts that were difficult to read and i had to put the book down a few times (sometimes to take a few breaths because he doesn't hold back on the medical details...), but the story is one of a young canadian doctor who wishes to do what he can to improve the health of those he could in a village in the contested borderland area of sudan.

read it. you won't be disappointed.

vietnam is beautiful

2010-09-03T10:23:00.002-06:00

look what i made!

2010-08-31T22:16:00.001-06:00

along with my recent laptop purchase, i bought aperture, apple's photo editing software and it is so much fun! i have been playing around with it and these are few of my favourites from my recent hiking trip.

29+6

2010-08-31T00:03:00.002-06:00

i am affectionately referring to this past month as the beginning of the home stretch. 29 has not been my favourite year so far and although i have faith that it is going to clean up its act for these last months, i am still looking forward to saying adios to my 20s and with it, the deceptive 29.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it. this goal has become almost boring! i haven't really figured how exactly how not to feel anxious and it normally pops up (as it always has) when i am in new social situations and have to make conversation, but all i can think of is 'say something, say something, try and relate, try and relate, say something, something, anything.'

there were certainly a few of those moments this past month. one where i solved (?!) the problem by drinking wine and then some more wine. i think i followed that up with a ceasar and then maybe, a beer. as you can imagine, this was not exactly the solution i should have been looking for and i ended up that girl without her shoes on, barefoot on the side of a busy road while her date hails a cab. pretty much, my finest moment of 29...

but i find that getting enough sleep and connecting with people who are also struggling with a sense of identity, purpose, and belonging helps a lot in the anxiety battle department. and reminding myself that even if nothing seems to make sense right now, there is probably something a-brewing that will materialise shortly.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. still ok. still not fantastic. but working on it. in fact, i bought cards and gifts for upcoming events. so there. but still a distance to go to win this one. sadly, i have been so self-absorbed in my funk i don't think i have given this goal enough of my energies. lame.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority. my plane ticket to cape town is booked and paid for! sadly, the visits i was looking forward to where friends from my past, international life were going to be stopping into the yyc were dashed and i am still longing for trips to cities in eastern canada and the us, but i must be realistic and acknowledge that they likely won't happen during 29.

but 30 looks like it might have a trip in store for me. a 30th celebration trip, in fact. a 30th celebration trip with my best friend. but the details are yet to be worked out. just a daydream at this time.

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals. errr... i could sum up a lot of my frustrations over the past few weeks and months by struggling to come to any sort of answer on this one. so far i have got as far as 'i don't want to be doing what i am doing for too much longer.' and i guess knowing that is better than not. but still, is it so hard to know what you want to be when you grow up?!

although it has been a constant thought on my mind, in the past few days i have felt closer to knowing. nothing yet to divulge to the universe (and it isn't even clear enough in my own head to attempt to put down in coherent sentences yet), but somehow, someway, i am finding clarity around what i want to be doing in a year's time.

these past two years working in the private sector have been wonderful experience and i now see a career path that i didn't even know existed previously. i don't see exactly how it twists and turns or where it leads, but i was recently asked what advice i would give to someone who would like to be where i am now and my answer? to allow the path to take you where it will and to always be flexible, accept challenges, and figure out the details later.

perhaps it is time to take my own advice (um, hello?! are you so blind?! this seems rather obvious!) so that is how i am approaching the second half of 29. a little faith, more hard work, and confidence in the journey.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest. eesh. that is all i have. not an i-can't-pay-my-mortgage eesh, but just an eesh. maybe an i-could-really-use-a-budget eesh or even an can-i-pay-someone-to-get-handle-on-incoming-and-outgoing-cash eesh, but certainly no where near an i-am-irresponsible-with-money eesh.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. this slow cooker is doing wonders for my nutrition! i eat at home more often and have meals full of vegetables (and meat, because it turns out that a lot of slow cooker recipes call for meat...).

but i did have chocolate cake and coffee for dinner this evening... and because i ate a lot of lacklustre, light weight, dehydrated meals on my hike on vancouver island, i have been 'rewarding' myself with my guilty pleasure of cheeseburgers more often than is healthy.

i feel as though with the changing of the seasons and the impending cool down of autumn, i will be in my kitchen and entertaining more often meaning i will be eating well and sharing food with family and friends.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount. i have really been enjoying my sleeps lately, which is so important as there is nothing better than being out on a saturday night and just looking forward to coming home, crawling into bed, and doozing off knowing no alarm will be waking you. and in the morning, when i am not exhausted and can get up and at 'em instead of needing a few extra minutes (about 10 times) because i don't wake up rested on a sunday morning because i have been overtired all week is a triumph.

clean sheets, a hot bath (with epson salts courtesy of my mama), and a good book has been just the ticket. and much needed as i have overcome some rather trying days at my day job in the past few weeks.

8 - maintain my priorities. really, this should just be all the previous goals wrapped into one. if i could stay on top of all the last 7, then this one would come naturally. unfortunately, that wasn't really the case this past month. and part of it was because i was absolutely tuckered right out at the end of a work day that i didn't want to do anything afterwards and that included doing fun things or social things or educational things. so i became sort of boring and lazy. but i have had some lovely, low-key weekends (both at the cabin and in the city) and i managed to refocus and am rounding out the month on a high.

9 - keep asking for what i want. come to think of it, i haven't asked for too much this month. thrown a few more job applications into the mix and sent some good vibes to the universe, but haven't articulated exactly what i want. but part of that is because i am not exactly sure that i know. or i haven't had the confidence to state what i want. but i am getting there and once i do, i might just come knocking on your door with a request.

ted talk recommendations

2010-08-29T14:02:00.002-06:00

i have spent my morning cleaning, doing laundry, ironing, and listening to ted talks, which is such a wonderful website about 'ideas worth sharing' and if you have not already taken a perusal through their wonderful videoed lectures (there is an iphone application too for when i am at work!), here are a few talks that struck a nerve or a chord with me this morning, take a look if you have some free time.

***

i have never been a fan of wwf, but its vp who deals with corporate social responsibility and sustainability makes a number of good connections and conclusions about third party verifications, the challenges of putting the decision on sustainable consumption on the consumer, and highlights some success stories of how changes have been made in industries without our even knowing.

i recently went to a lecture by alan knight of the virgin group (of richard branson fame) around third party verification in the forestry industry and what the oilsands of alberta can learn from that experience. and this was a really nice compliment to that information and is something, to a very brief degree, contend with in my day job.

jason clay: how big brands can help save biodiversity

***

steve jobs gave a commencement address at stanford in 2005 and i absolutely love his message and the story of how he got his start and then kept moving. i did not realise that he was an adopted child and that he had been publicly fired from apple years ago. moving and inspiring and a great reminder not to dwell on negative even if it is difficult to suspend judgement in the moment. (and something i direly need to be reminded of in 2010.)

steve jobs: how to live before you die

***

new york senator diane j savino makes the case for the legalisation of same sex marriage and while i don't necessarily agree with her perspective that even same sex couples should have the right to be as miserable as everyone else as i believe that it doesn't matter what the result of a marriage, all consenting adults should have access to the institution (although i do understand that this line of argumentation might be a line that resonates the best with those whose opinions in the senate she was attempting to influence), i completely agree with her take on the role of government in marriage in a democratic state.

diane j savino: the case for same sex marriage

***

two people speak about choice and they both have really valuable insight into how western developed countries can be improved and deteriorated by the powers associated with choice.

malcolm gladwell speaks to an audience about how to ask the question of what people want in different ways to get more accurate information with the intent of keeping people happy by offering them more choice.

malcolm gladwell: spaghetti sauce

alternatively, and more to my line of thinking on this concept, is barry schwartz who wrote a book entitled the paradox of choice, which i have been meaning to read for years. he speaks to the idea that the more choices we have, the less satisfied we are with the selection with ultimately make. i know that this is true for me - when i go to a restaurant with a huge menu i get overwhelmed and am never happy with my final choice because what could it have been like if i picked something else. for this reason alone, i like eating at fancier restaurants who dictate the menu and refuse to allow substitutions.

schwartz connects the reduction in satisfaction with higher levels of depression and anxiety and i certainly know this is the case for me. i feel as though there is so much i could do, but where do i start and how to pick what to do? he uses the example of young people getting married and the selection of a mate, which also resonated with me for the same reasons as the lengthy menus as how we cherish and respect freedom not for what it gives us or what it can allow us to do for ourselves, but simply because freedom in and of itself is valuable. and i am not always so sure this is the case. watch it and see what he says about shifting the blame in the medical community and why we might not always be the best person to make decisions for ourselves.

barry schwartz: the paradox of choice

ready for fall

2010-08-22T23:24:00.004-06:00

it seems i am in the habit of confessions lately. and here is another one: i am done with summer.

and what is more, i am ready for the cooler days of autumn and the changing of the seasons.

i am sick of waiting for summer to arrive. it is the third week of august and i had my furnace on this past week! ridiculous, i tell you.

as much as i am sick of waiting on the weather, i am more excited for the slowing down of my social calendar that comes with september as schedules become more rigid and the pressures of being out and about on any given day decrease.

i have felt such pressure (and certainly, brought on entirely by myself) to MAKE THE MOST OF IT this summer. although i am sometimes at a loss as to what IT is. and as much as a walk in the park, a drink on a patio, or a hike in the mountains sound like a lovely way to pass an afternoon, doing it alone is not always as thrilling as doing it with someone.

and while i am being miserly, let me also add that all these festivals and events throughout the city during the summer months are never as good as you expect. i found myself at the calgary folk fest for the first time this year and every year i always think, 'that always looks like so much fun, why don't i go?' well, i did go and it was a lot of people in my space, a lot of chaos, and a pain to organise a group of people to meet up and stay in the same area. all of these events seem to be the same - lots of people (including those dudes with their dogs that insist on taking their shirts off as soon as the thermostat reads 20 degrees), overpriced food, and crowds heaving in the heat/rain/miserable calgary summer weather.

on that note, i am ready for september. ready for the trees' leaves to change colour and fall. ready for sweaters, soup, and hot cups of tea. ready for my schedule to calm down and ready to spend friday evenings at home without any guilt that i should be DOING SOMETHING with bonus points if it is a FUN THING.

i'm ready.

dirty little secret

2010-08-19T17:06:00.000-06:00

here's a dirty little secret - i didn't donate anything to the relief efforts in haiti after the devastating earthquake this past january. yes, i wanted someone to hire me to go there, but i didn't donate. call it karma, but i sort of felt as though costs associated with the response would be covered because of the incredible news, pop culture, and celebrity coverage the disaster got. this is likely not the best way to judge whether or not humanitarian efforts need any additional financial support, but there it is and that is how i made my decision.

in keeping with that same thinking, ever since i heard of the floods in pakistan a few weeks ago, i have thought that it is so interesting that a natural disaster that has displaced an estimated 3 million people has warranted little more than a mention on the nightly national news and have found myself wondering if this is at all correlated with how much money has been donated by private citizens like me.

and it wasn't long before this line of thinking was covered by a popular aid blog, aid watch, and after reading it and thinking 'what the hell am i waiting for?,' i just donated to islamic relief.

i picked islamic relief because (and how is this for good donorship...) i knew a girl who used to work there before i met her when she worked for another international relief ngo. she didn't even have fantastic things to say about her working experience there, but nonetheless that is how i picked one of the agencies i know are on the ground in pakistan.

this will be rather interesting to watch play out because perhaps donors are fatigued, perhaps richies like me (and you, most likely) in the developed world don't have such a connection to a country half a world away, or perhaps freedom loving people are afraid that they will be funding terrorism and the like by giving to pakistanis, but i don't feel confident that it will be such the groundswell of donations as haiti was. i could be completely wrong, however, as many muslim ngos and networks are incredibly well funded using a completely different donor model and they might teach those of us participating in a more western and, dare i say, mainstream response a thing or two.

coincidentally, today is also world humanitarian day.

one good story

2010-08-16T22:57:00.002-06:00

before i opened Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese, i was in dire need of a good book. a good story to take my mind off the stresses associated with my own life story at the moment. and this was a book that i know i will be recommending and thinking about for quite some time.

marion stone is the main character, one half of a set of identical twins whose indian nun mother died during his birth and whose father, a top british surgeon working in the mission hospital in addis ababa where he was born, ran away immediately following his birth.

marion's story, along with his twin brother shiva's, parallels the story of ethiopia since the second world war and as marion leaves childhood behind and becomes a man during a repressive political regime and amidst the secession politics and attempted coups, his adoptive parents foster in him a love of academic study and medicine. but it is the relationships that he has with those around him and how they evolve that is most fascinating and well described in the book.

i love a good historical novel, one that weaves facts and history into an engaging story, offering the opportunity not only to be entertained through storytelling, but also to get a unique perspective of a time and place.

along with the story of ethiopia, this book also is the story of surgery and the passion that doctors bring into that field of work as well as an exploration of why they choose medicine. as someone who knows very little about the inner workings of the medical profession, i did not get lost in the language and along with learning more about ethiopia, i also had a glimpse into the life of expat doctors both in east africa and the us.

it is also a tale of deceit, trust, forgiveness and an example of how families are often not the ones you are given, but the ones you choose. the author doesn't scrimp on details and many of the plot twists are completely unexpected, making it a book i wanted to get back to whenever i had put it down and one that offers enough depth to make it a true telling of a very rich story.

in some ways, it reminded me of Camilla Gibb's Sweetness in the Belly in its description of Ethiopia as someone's home and not as a visitor passing through would see the country. both great books to read and if you do, i'd love to hear what you think!

lonesome?

2010-08-11T19:12:00.000-06:00

things i have done alone:

eaten in a restaurant
visited museums
seen a movie
sipped coffees in cafes
travelled on trains, planes, buses, and in cars
ran some runs
moved to new cities
rode my bike
travelled to new cities and countries on vacation

things i have not done alone:

hiked
gone out dancing
attended a live music show

slum tourism is not for everyone, in fact, it shouldn't be for anyone

2010-08-11T00:00:00.001-06:00

Jina Moore has highlighted an op-ed in the new york times by Kennedy Odede, who grew up in kibera, which is potentially the largest slum in africa located smack in the middle of nairobi, my former home.

i think anyone considered any type of voluntourism should read this piece. to the point, eloquent, honest, and a great voice on why you take a piece of people's dignity when you travel through their home to 'understand poverty.'

i have been to kibera. i didn't spend much time there and would never claim to understand the community nor why exactly my work took me there, but i did see foreigners wandering around with their cameras out and i heard on local radio (through my rough understanding of kiswahili and my colleague's helpful translation) that there is a running joke that kibera residents are like zoo animals as the visitors pass by, looking at them from an arm's length and taking photos to bring home.

for anyone interested in life in kibera, Uwem Akpan has an excellent short story about a family in kibera in his book Say You're One of Them.

the upside of obsessiveness

2010-08-09T22:47:00.002-06:00

i have cooked beef stew, pasta sauce, and vegetarian chilli in the past 4 days and there doesn't seem to be any letting up. i am eating better than i have in weeks and am excited to have people over to share in my amazement of my slow cooker!

cleaning house, literally and figuratively

2010-08-06T16:14:00.001-06:00

it is time to get organised!

i have hired a housekeeper and have forgiven myself for not being able to stay on top of my housework and given myself permission to contract that part of my life to a professional. but (but!), i will now have to stay on top of keeping things tidy and do a deep clean before she arrives in a week's time. but this is much needed and overdue.

in other organisational news, i am still learning the ins and outs of my new mac book pro and how to best manage my photos and files and this thing is really is a wonder, but i am still learning and find myself wishing there was a right click button as well as page up and page down buttons.

although it is not entirely linked to organisation, i am right this very moment using my slow cooker to make beef stew for the first time. and i must say, cutting up the raw beef and browning it in a frying pan was completely manageable! and i am certain i will not poison anyone if they choose to sample my stew, which is sure to be delicious. but are you supposed to lift the lid on a slow cooker? i can't seem to find the willpower to just leave it and want to keep checking on it, but maybe this defeats the purpose of the slow cooker?

any hints on how to get the campfire smell out of clothes? i have already washed them on the highest setting on my washer and with extra soap, but they still stink and they are my running clothes so i don't very well want to be stinking up the pathways or smelling smoke as i run my buns up a hill.

and i have placed my amazon.ca order for the cape town lonely planet book and you know what that means - trip planning is about to begin! i love planning a trip and this should keep me busy for the next few weeks before departing to rsa in october.

and next up - a weekend of running errands and getting my life back in some semblance of order!

juan de fuca - do it!

2010-08-06T15:52:00.003-06:00

it is sort of my style to be worried and anxious before a big event and hiking the 47km juan de fuca trail was no different. a friend and i had planned to do it over 4 days over the august long weekend and when i was doing my researches on the interwebs, i kept coming upon sites saying 'it is really hard' or 'don't kid yourself, this hike is TOUGH,' or other doomsayers going on about how hard it would be. this did nothing for my confidence that i could not only handle the hike, but actually enjoy it too.

but (but!), i was absolutely fine, the hike was certainly challenging at parts and there was a lot of elevation gain over the course of the 4 days, but listening to the ocean and camping at some gorgeous sites made all those heart rate rising hills worth it.

this was my itinerary (because this is what i wanted to know before i did it):

day 1 - botanical beach to little kuitche creek campground (14km)

this day was by far, the toughest for me. it was 14km to the campsite and i felt like i had to have a little chat with my legs each time i wanted them to take a big step up a rock. there are a lot of boardwalks and fun bridges made out of the trees, but man, some of them are BIG steps for short legs.
i also had a bit of a shriek when we came across a garter snake that didn't even have the courtesy to get out of my way when i nearly stepped on it, eek.

day 2 - little kuitche creek to chin beach (12km)

this day was more challenging, but i didn't feel like i had to motivate my legs to keep moving, they just did. camping at the beach was stunning and my hiking partner was absolutely exhausted by the end of the day (and with a sore knee after a fall on the slippery rocks) so we spent our evening sitting in the gorgeous evening sun, watching the water and staying out of the wind by sitting amongst the driftwood.
and we saw sea lions! and they were cute! and rather awkward when trying to move along the rocks.
it was so nice to wake up in the morning and take our time making coffee and breakfast over the stove before strapping our backpacks on and heading out along the beach.

day 3 - chin beach to bear beach (12km)

listed on the government issued map as 'most difficult,' there were a lot of switchbacks and hills as you dance along the coastline, but again, i felt strong and capable of the cardiovascular and muscular fitness even though i was fretting about how difficult 'very difficult' would be.
i have to say, we were both thrilled to see the sign for 'bear beach' when it appeared and we knew there were no more switchbacks in our future, yippee.
out campsite on bear beach was beautiful and quite secluded, which was great. we named our site doreen after a buoy that had washed up nearby and had a campfire as we sat by the ocean.

day 4 - bear beach to china beach (9km)

back to 'moderate' difficulty, this day was a breeze and i felt a little disappointed when we reached the final kilometre marker. it was the only day when we saw a lot of others, mostly day hikers, but i felt proud that we were carrying all of our gear and had the filth and dirt to go along with 4 straight days of hiking. and we managed to reach the west coast trail bus pick up point with a few hours to spare and time to eat the remaining food that we had. but i must say that i packed well and estimated the right amount of food.

a few other thoughts on this hike. i wouldn't want to do it without the absolutely perfect weather that we had. i suppose even if you couldn't have the benefit of the beautiful sunny skies that dry weather would be a minimum to make it really enjoyable. i had hoped to see more sunsets, but we were often on the side of a point that blocked the sun setting over the water. and besides, we were in bed before 9 each night!

there are lots of streams to collect drinking and cooking water and campsites were not over crowded and apart from one bear cache malfunction and many tries before successfully hanging out food, we had almost no issues. a few minor blisters that 2nd skin took care of and some taped toes and we were good to go!

it was so nice to be out in the middle of 'nowhere' without mobile phone reception and not a care in the world past finding drinking water and estimating how much fuel we had left in the stove. being sweaty, dirty, and without a shower for 4 days on end was just what i needed to gain some clarity and confidence and i am thrilled that i did this hike and can't wait for an opportunity to do something like this again.

prop 8's demise?

2010-08-05T16:25:00.001-06:00

proposition 8 really chapped my ass, so this is most welcome news: a judge in the us determined it was unconstitutional!

29+5

2010-07-30T16:33:00.008-06:00

it's goal update time again! i am officially 29 and a half tomorrow. and i have a few bones to pick with 29, but i have faith that it will smarten up for its final half.

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it. i am not feeling anxious lately, which is a good thing. more of a general frustration and without a lot of direction of what the eff i am doing. some days, i feel confident, sure that i am on the right path, and something is just around the corner. but then other days, i am lethargic and melancholy and resemble pig pen surrounded by a cloud of gloom.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special occasions. i am doing ok. not fantastically well, but ok. and if facebook messages count, then i am on top of my game! but sadly, that wasn't really the intention of this goal so i am not totally on the ball. september is a big birthday month in my family though and i am already a little bit ahead of that game, so there's that.

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority.  south africa is certainly in the works and i have sent messages to friends in cape town to see if i can visit with them. and lucky for me, i have two friends coming to me in august and both are friends i knew in nairobi, one who now lives in east timor and the other in darfur, so it will be grand to catch up with them.

i will also get a visit in with my dad while i am in victoria this weekend (and a ride to the trailhead, yippee!) and am planning on spending more time at my family's cabin in the month of august and even though this is not technically what i had in mind with this goal, i am looking forward to it.

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals.  um, yeah. i feel as though this year so far has been the year of opportunities that were not to be, but were so damn close! there are a few more irons in the fire that could materialise into something, but no word yet on my dream job...

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest.  apparently 4 day hiking trips can be expensive. but other than that, i am saving my pennies and will do until i have to fork out the dollars for my plane ticket to cape town. until then though, my nest egg is coming along. my new laptop took a chunk out of it, but full time hours, an increase in my billing rates, and freelance writing work are adding up.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals.  i didn't even eat dinner last night. in fact, i ate lunch and that was it. today i didn't eat until 1 and will hopefully remember to eat dinner too. honestly, living alone in the summer means that i a) eat out a lot or b) don't eat unless i am starving and then just open the fridge and make a meal out of whatever combination of food hasn't gone bad. the other night it was spinach pasta with gorgonzola cheese and asparagus on the side. that is one of the better combos i have come up with, normally they include pretzels and dill pickles. eesh.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount.  i am sleeping well, even with some of the hot evenings we have had, and have made a point a few nights this month to get to bed early enough to read some of my book before sleeping. this might sound like something a Normal Person who do Regularly, but i don't and typically end up watching crappy tv (go chris go!) until i am exhausted and haul my behind to my bed.

oh, this is sort of funny and involves sleeping... i wanted to try out my new sleeping bag and was lying in it watching more bad tv and i fell asleep only to wake up in a pool of sweat because, hey, guess what?! my sleeping bag is good up to 10 degrees and it was hot as balls in there when i woke up. good to know that it will keep me warm this weekend!

8 - maintain my priorities. i think i am doing well and especially after a spring where i felt pulled in all directions simultaneously, i am approaching a state of balance where i feel i am on top of most things, including my contract positions and my health and fitness (well, apart from the sore hoof). this applies to all parts of my life except the state of my nest... and because of the disaster i now find myself living in and because i seem to be able to work my buns off and save my pennies, i figure a good use of those pennies would be to hire someone to keep my nest in a presentable state. hence, i am going to hire a housekeeper. da da dun!

i feel slightly like a glutton for this decision, but it makes sense and it will allow me to continue to find balance by being outside to enjoy the summer weather and socialising with my networks while also getting paid work done while i am at home rather than feeling guilty about watching my bad tv when i should be dusting shelves, cleaning fridges, and sweeping floors.

9 - keep asking for what i want.  i am keeping up with this one. i haven't asked for anything monumental lately, but i have been giving some deep thought to what it is i do want and putting that out to the universe. i suspect that when i see something i want, i will have all the confidence to ask for it like i deserve it and that is good enough for the midpoint of 29 as far as i am concerned.

mish mash on a friday afternoon

2010-07-30T15:54:00.003-06:00

in perusing my regular blogs (over there on the left), i found a link to a vso study on why the images of poor, starving ethiopians during the live aid campaign have caused negative implications in the stereotype of africans. now, this is not revolutionary in idea, but it is good to see research collected on the lasting impacts of that media campaign. after a full read, i do think the research is biased in that it is totally poo-pooing on the media and on western views of developing countries while also saying that we have so much to learn from them (which may, or may not, be true, but it seems a bit cheeky to push that so much towards the end of the report when that wasn't the stated focus of the research). but, it is worth a read.

and i should send it to the next person who tells me they want to go to africa to volunteer in an orphanage.

in other news, i have found a travel partner to join me in south africa, my mom! yay. i am even more excited about this trip now! so much to sort out before then, but lots of time to do it. should we visit the wineries, should we go to the district six museum, should we go up table mountain, should we go to simons point for breakfast and to see the penguins, should we visit my friends in the townships???

and speaking of trips, i am all packed and ready to go for the juan de fuca trail... i have two sets of insoles for my hiking boots in hopes that one of them will avoid my crying due to foot pain and i bringing along a bottle of extra strength advil, which seem to do the trick.

i just need to pop out and see if i can find some 2nd skin and then i am off to victoria! eek.

inflamed, not fractured

2010-07-27T20:55:00.002-06:00

i spent 4 hours in the urgent care clinic yesterday and, after a kind visit from a friend who works near the clinic and utilising the wireless in the waiting area to get some work done, i finally had my foot x rayed to see if i had a stress fracture. and the good news is that my bones are in one piece. the bad news is that they suspect i have plantar fasciitis.

and when i googled it, the phrase 'very painful condition' came up often, great... but it makes sense because i was hobbling around this past weekend and hadn't experienced pain that affected my mobility so drastically. call it a learning (and humbling) experience.

and even though i am not thrilled about having an inflamed plantar fascia, i was happy to hear that i did have something wrong with me because then i felt like i wasn't wasting the time of the doctors, nurses, and emergency room staff and i was impressed with how quickly i was able to get x rays taken and read and a diagnosis made. and it made me think that if this had gone down in the us there would be a substantial bill to pay and i might have opted against x rays because i do not have health insurance from my employer at the moment, which would mean i would have had to cancel my hike for fear of exacerbating a fracture. scary.

my next steps are to rest my foot this week, make an appointment to see a podiatrist, and wear my birkenstocks (thank god for birkenstocks!).

have you had this or know someone who has suffered from plantar fasciitis? any tips on what to do or not do to decrease the inflammation? or prevent it in the future? or how to complete a 4 day hike without pain next week??

ouch. and eek.

icy cold on a hot summer's eve

2010-07-25T20:11:00.004-06:00

here i am again, sunday evening. home alone. and thrilled. honestly.

one of my recent issues that has contributed to the wobbly moment has been the pressure i have felt to make the most of the summer months in calgary. to take advantage of every opportunity to get outside and socialise.

and like last weekend, i feel as though i have managed quite fine. a solid run followed by beers on the patio of one of the city's best pubs with far too many laughs between friends, a luxurious morning sitting on my own patio with coffee and a smoothie while reading my book, a saturday afternoon at the calgary folk fest listening to adorable boys play their guitars from the big rock beer gardens, and a sunday of huevos rancheros at my local breakfast spot with some mountain equipment co-op shopping in preparation for the juan de fuca trail next week and a walk in my community with an iced coffee.

but (and this is a rather large but that could alter the course of my next few weeks), i am currently sitting on my couch watching pvr'ed tv and am not cleaning my house or going for a run because i am icing my foot and ankle. i have no idea what i have specifically done to it, but i know that it is a recurring injury that i normally keep in check with good running shoes, but wearing cowboy boots last weekend seems to have exacerbated the situation. and standing in rubber flip flops yesterday was exceptionally painful and i am my worries continue to grow that this will not be cleared up by this friday, which is when i fly out to vancouver island. eek.

knowing a thing or two

2010-07-22T22:03:00.004-06:00

hello. and welcome. to the hundreds of people who have passed by my corner of the internet these past couple days. i suppose i should have had this message up before, well, now. but instead all those newcomers to my blog, thanks to a rather kind link from flotsam, see me whining about my life and being in a funk...

but (but!) here i am, trying not to be wah-wah-wahing for once in a bit of a while.

what a day i had. it started off with a message that my slow cooker had arrived and was ready for pick up. and a day that starts off like that is bound to be a good one. what is better is that my slow cooker was free (remember that laptop i bought? i put it on my credit card and earned enough points to order a slow cooker!) and that it matches the rest of my kitchen appliances, which pleases my obsessive sensibilities.

i began my workday at noon (because i can!) and headed to a townhall meeting with some of the executive of our company and was thrilled that some of my work was not only mentioned in the quarterly update, but praised as good company practice.

but that is not all. i was mildly dreading heading to yet another meeting with an organisation that i volunteer with after my shortened workday, but was again pleasantly surprised to find that i was regarded as an expert and advisor to a locally based international foundation. this was all well and good, however, until i had a one-on-one conversation about an upcoming initiative that i not-so-affectionately called voluntourism-lite.

the same qualities of voluntourism are apparent: the focus put on the travellers' experience, no lasting impact or clear outputs of the visit, short term stays in communities, and time and energy put out by the host organisation that is likely motivated by a desire to show that they really are a great organisation doing really good work (a sort of self preservation and marketing to the foreign visitors).

i got in quite a heated discussion about this and i just kept coming back to the question of why? why is this happening? to try and head off those who would otherwise seek out a true voluntourism experience and offer them something a little less corrupt and possibly more meaningful? but that is not what a foundation should be doing. a bad idea remains a bad idea.

and why is it so hard for people to accept my opinion that if you want to go to africa, go on a wicked vacation full of beaches, safaris, museums, and sights? there is no requirement that you visit a slum, an orphanage, or a hospital to make it worthwhile. we don't expect tourists to canada to visit our poorest communities or our underdeveloped first nations reserves so why do we expect canadians to do similar things on their holidays abroad? and doesn't this continue to perpetuate the same stereotypes that africa is nothing but a continent full of dirty, black kids with flies around their eyes? and (and!) offering such a programme doesn't acknowledge that many middle and upper class residents of africans don't feel compelled to visit those communities in their backyard, so why would canadians? and, more than anything, what right do they have to go sniffing around in someone else's backyard? and again, for what purpose?

eesh. the whole conversation just made me want to bang my head against a wall. but (but!), it did make me feel good in the sense that i actually know a thing or two about this and i felt strong enough in my opinions to express them and stand by them. and that i can make some things better, just by being a part of them even if they frustrate me at times.

and that, along with today's positive feedback, has made me feel as though the wobbly moment might almost (dare i say it?!) be coming to a close.

number crunching

2010-07-20T22:14:00.011-06:00

i posted a comment over at flotsam, where on her fifth year blogging anniversary she ran some numbers. a good idea i thought, so i am posting my comment here with a few more items that i have thought of since.

children conceived: 0
live babies acquired: 0
men married: 0
apartments lived in: 5
books written: 1 (if you count a thesis)
degrees acquired: 1
unfamiliar countries visited: 17
unfamiliar states visited: 0
couches owned: 5
pets felled by disease/neglect: 0
days admitted to hospital: 0
literary rejections received: 0 (but i have received a number of professsional rejections!)
pounds gained: -10
kidney stones passed: 0

and a few of my own:

humanitarian emergencies survived: 1
doctors dated: 3
soldiers dated: 1
teachers dated: 1
statisticians dated: 1
pilots dated: 2

hunters dated: 1
houses purchased: 1
heartbreaks suffered: 1
countries lived in: 4

tropical diseases contracted: 1
blogs maintained: 1

social networking profiles created: 3

social networking profiles maintained: 1
bottles of wine consumed: even if i remembered to count, i wouldn't have had the capacity to at the time

laptops owned: 3

cars named dieter driven: 1

grandparents lost: 2

jobs held: 3, 2 concurrently

tattoos inked: 2

bites of chicken consumed: 3 +/-

itunes songs collected: 4715

languages learned: 1/8

photographs taken: 1000s, maybe even 10,000s

friends met, books read, and tears shed: statistics unavailable until technology improves!

i would love to hear what you have to say about your last 5 years!

seeking book recommendations for qualitative research methodologies

2010-07-19T21:20:00.000-06:00

it would make a lot of sense to post this on facebook, but for some reason i don't want my worlds colliding at the moment.

so, blogging interwebs, do you have any recommendations on good books that give a good overview on social science research methods, with particular reference to survey and semi-structured interview question design?

sunday evening

2010-07-18T21:23:00.006-06:00

normally, i detest sunday evenings. call it a case of the sundays, but lately the thought of having to face another week while hanging out at home alone watching pvr'ed tv has made me cringe.

but this evening, i am feeling quite content with my weekend after a rather lame week. a solid 7km run followed by drinks with an old friend on friday night accompanied by encouragement to go to law school. breakfast and great chats on saturday morning and then my posse and i hauled ourselves to the nashville north tent at the stampede where i lasted until the wee hours and only left when my feet were too sore for anymore dancing. then a sunday morning hike with a lovely lady and an afternoon with tours of my mom's garden and a vietnamese sub (because i have no food in my house!).

my wobbly moment continues, however, and i had to give myself permission to opt out of a work stampede party last friday without any guilt or remorse because i just was not in the mood to make merry and pretend that i was happy to be at a bar. there is not one thing i wish i could change and if there was, i would be working my arse off to change it.

i have yet to hear back about my most perfect job and part of me just wants to the universe to show me where i need to be and what i should be doing.

but in the meantime, i continue to prepare for my hiking adventure and that means soaking my poor cowboy boot feet tonight and finding time to get my buns back up those stairs, hopefully this time without stopping. menu planning, airport pickups, and a little mountain equipment co-op shopping and i should be ready to go. it is nice to have something to look forward to!

turning a corner on pop culture?

2010-07-12T23:47:00.000-06:00

my newest guilty pleasure, and i am truly embarrassed to be admitting this, is watching the bachelorette. some girlfriends were talking about it a few weeks ago and i decided to check it out during my wobbly moment. and i sort of like it. i don't like the melodrama and the heart-to-hearts onscreen, but i do like watching the different relationships develop (although, how are those men not strangling one another each time they return from a date??).

my pick is chris and although i didn't come close to winning my world cup pool, i will be shocked if i don't win this one (not that i am in a pool, but i would join one next time around as i am afraid i am slightly addicted to this ridiculous show).

this is all a little hilarious to me as i didn't have tv for years and was so out of the pop cultural loop for ages!

ready or not, juan, here i come!

2010-07-11T14:58:00.003-06:00

i am not sure if i have committed myself to something that is far over my head, but in three short weeks, i will be hiking the juan de fuca trail on vancouver island. i haven't done any overnight hiking in years and haven't been running or doing much of anything too active for weeks, so this might turn out to be the stupidest decision i have ever made or the challenge that i need right now.

it is less than 42km and we will be doing it over 4 days so that is less than 12km per day, which sounds rather doable. until, of course, i consider i will be carrying everything i need on my back!

i have expressed my anxieties about this endeavour to my friend who i am going with and he has assured me that he will carry the heavy stuff and will be there to make sure that i get up all the hills and across all the puddles. but still, i am scared.

but considering my recent wobbles and general attitude about my life lately, maybe this is what i need?

it didn't help that when i googled the hike (on my new, as yet unnamed, but beloved) laptop, i found the following quote:

"The Juan de Fuca trail is one of the most difficult trails I've ever hiked. There's tons of mud, puddles, rain, difficult-to-negotiate exposed roots, steep up and downs, blow-downs and cobbles." He also admits, "It's one of the most beautiful regions I've hiked through, but you earn it, that's for sure."

all i am going to say is that there may be tears.

she's so shiny and new

2010-07-07T21:50:00.000-06:00

she is my new mac book pro. and i love her.

but she needs a name.

i am not really sure how to use her effectively just yet, but i also got aperture, apple's photo editing software, and am hoping to do some fun things with my photos.

and for her price tag, she had better make me dinner and rub my feet!

29 + 4 update

2010-07-06T17:40:00.005-06:00

ever since i decided to stop moping, things have really taken a turn for the better.

and in some random hope that the power of positive thinking actually might work, i just wanted to let the interwebs know that i have asked for something that i want as per goal #9.

i found a job i want. i found a job that could potentially meld my education and international experience in development with my nearly two years' worth of private sector corporate social responsibility knowledge! i found a job i want in new york city.

so i applied.

and if you are so compelled, join me in sending some positive energy in the direction of the un headquarters in nyc in hopes that they overlook my lack of the requisite 8 years of progressively responsible experience and interview me based on my ballsy cover letter and unique skill set!

she's purdy...

2010-07-06T17:01:00.000-06:00

but not built to last, it seems.

this new format for my blog is nice and i have liked it so far, but since i changed it, my blog seems to be eating comments so if you don't see yours here, fear not! i did receive it in my inbox and have no idea where it has gone, but i certainly did not delete it!

and thank you too, while i am at it. my wah, wah, wah posts seem to bring out a lot of internetly support and that is swell.

29 + 4

2010-07-04T21:03:00.001-06:00

1 - conquer my anxiety, or at least win a few battles against it. remember last month and when i was thrilled with my ability to kick anxiety's ass? wow, what a difference a month makes. and as i just mentioned, i do not feel as though i am winning. no specific anxieties, just a general sense of anxiousness pervading my days. and i can't kick this idea that time is running out. time to do what? i am not sure. but i do feel like i need to get on with something. just not sure what that something is.

blah. working on it, but blah.

2 - be more thoughtful of others, especially around special events, days, occasions. i don't think i have done much of this this month as i have been a little preoccupied with keeping my life together. one thing that i have done is take on some additional work as my supervisor is going through the death of a family member and i have been happy to do it. but i still owe my bro $40 because i forgot to bring cash to put in his card and i sent my step-dad a birthday text a day late. sheesh. i need to get this one together!

3 - continue making visiting family and friends a priority. i got out to vancouver island for a long weekend of family time and it was absolutely stunning. my trip to south africa is still in the most initial stages of planning and there is a small, small hope that i migth get to visit friends in another city yet this summer. fingers crossed!

4 - nail down some sort of short-term career goals. let's just say that this one is on hold. opportunities are coming up with my day job and i managed to get a raise at my part time job, but i am working on the other details.

5 - lay a nest egg to accompany my nest. unlike previous months this year, this is going better than the rest. i have been working a lot, which is good for my bank account, and i have not been spending too much (except for that little spree last thursday... oh, the sales got the better of me!). it helps that tax season is over for me and i have a clue about how much i will have to pay in coming years and can save/spend appropriately.

6 - eat more balanced, regular meals. just spent the weekend at my fam's cabin and that did wonders for my regular meat eating. but still when i am at home alone i eat garlic dill pickles for dinner and that likely won't change any time soon!

actually, after the inspiration of regular meals of the cabin, i cooked shrimp for the first time ever tonight. it was deceptively easy and i will certainly do that again. because unless i continue to have vegetarian friends over for dinner (as i did a few weeks ago), i will have to expand my cooking repertoir past meat (and by extension, any shell fish) free dishes.

7 - sleep an appropriate amount. the jetlag from asia took me quite some time to get over and that put a bit of a damper in my sleeping schedule, but since then! i have managed to get it together and haven't even been napping much lately. oh, except for after returning from a conference in banff for work where i certainly did not get enough sleep between 7am meetings and 2am bedtimes.

with stampede around the corner and a few parties already planned, i will surely need to plan for a few extra hours during the 10 days of partying in this town.

8 - maintain my priorities. i am doing my best to stick with my priorities, but i am afraid that i have not been exercising as much as i should lately and a lot of my energies have been spent on work and on people who might not deserve them so a check is in order and i feel as though i have already started putting things back where they should be and remembering what is important.

9 - keep asking for what i want. the first thing would be to figure out what it is that i want! and lately it seems like a moving goal post...

been gone but not forgotten, i hope

2010-07-04T17:21:00.001-06:00

(july 3, 2010)

i met someone once (and who it was, i cannot recall, which worries me ever so slightly) that instead of asking how you were doing would question, ‘are you winning?’

and lately, my answer would have been a bellowing ‘no.’ hence my silence on the www front. not that i didn’t have a whole lot to say, just not a lot of motivation to share it with the world.

i am not sure exactly what kicked off the wobbly moment, as my friend so eloquently called it, but it has lasted a good month now and i am one hundred times over this melancholy blue mood.

there are certainly a few things that exacerbated the situation and instead of listing them here, let me just say that there were a few text messages sent to friends recently that said I HATE DATING or I AM GETTING A CAT.

those of you who have been visiting my place on the interwebs for some now will know that i go through periods of not knowing what i want to do be when i grow up. and that, along with text messages in capital letters, seems to be weighing me down lately.

i realise that i don’t need to know exactly what i will BE when i grow up and anyone who meets me would know that i am already rather grown up, if i do say so myself. but i have always required some sense of direction to motivate me to strive to work towards it. and right now, i have a good job, but not one that i can imagine doing in years to come. i have a great nest, but not one that i necessary want to stay in forever. and i don’t feel as though i am living my life as fully as i could.

the logical answer would be to figure out what is ‘missing’ and find it. but that process seems to be tougher than my type a brain would like.

in a strange way, the warmer weather and increasing availability of stuff to do is overwhelming me and making me feel as though i am not taking advantage of my current situation enough. enough, enough, enough, i would like to take that word out of my vocabulary and replace with something that echoes contentment and satisfaction, but i am afraid i won’t be able to until i solve the mystery of what would be enough, enough, enough.

i remember feeling this way when i was coming to the end of the masters degree and in a twist of fate, i was offered a job that previously did not exist in kenya. i am trying to hand this one over to the universe too, but for the last 6 months or so i have felt as though something was just around the corner and now that i am metaphorically around that corner of time and nothing has emerged, i am feeling a little panicky and that sucks a big old egg.

uni rankings in my favour

2010-06-15T21:56:00.000-06:00

although rating universities is wrought with contention, as anyone who has attended the university of calgary well knows, it is welcome news plucked from the guardian to hear that my grad school, lancaster, is ranked #6 in the uk. behind oxford, cambridge, and st andrews, but ahead of lse, soas, and perhaps most importantly for lancashirians, york!

the times says it is 10th and the independent says it is 8th so they must be on to something, wouldn't you think?

although i did leave the school in 2006 so maybe their high ranking doesn't apply to when i was there, but at least it is getting publicity and better known across the pond, which can't hurt.